


Summertime Stars

by ajaeparkian



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: And other triggering events, College professor!hyungwon, Dermatographic Urticaria, Insomnia, Kihyun's parents are dead, Kihyungwon, M/M, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Self Harm, Smut, Student!Kihyun, Suicidal acts, This story will deals with depression, bottom!kihyun, m/m - Freeform, more tags to come, other characters yet to be introduce, top!Hyungwon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2019-05-13 12:28:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 22,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14748878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ajaeparkian/pseuds/ajaeparkian
Summary: "Heaven is place on earth with you"Kihyun, a 19 years old teenager who's struggling with Dermatographic Urticaria, Seasonal Affective Disorder(SAD) and Insomnia secretly wish to be alive just like any other teenagers.Chae Hyungwon, a 25 years old college professor with excellent degree on English Literature wrote poems in his free time under the name of "Summer". Poems he secretly dedicate to his childhood friend who committed a suicide because of Dermatographic Urticaria."I wish to be alive with you in this time" - Yoo Kihyun"You are alive, here with me in this little space of time" - Chae Hyungwon





	1. Introduction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new series of Monsta X that will replace "In Time" as soon as I finished that one.
> 
> The main couple will be KiHyungwon, with top!hyungwon and bottom!kihyun. I know that this ship probably is not your most favorite but as I always say, I swing all ways which means all pairs possible. If you don't like the ship then feel free to leave, and please no harsh words or whatsoever. Also please don't copy my works in any form of ways! Whether it's a translation or anything.

This story is about Kihyun who has a dermatographic urticaria.

 **Dermatographic urticaria** (also known as  **dermographism** ,  **dermatographism**  or " **skin writing** ") is a skin disorder and one of the most common types of urticaria, affecting 2–5% of the population.

 

The condition manifests as an allergic-like reaction, causing a warm red wheal to appear on the skin. As it is often the result of scratches, involving contact with other materials, it can be confused with an allergic reaction, when in fact it is the act of being scratched that causes a wheal to appear. These wheals are a subset of urticaria (hives), and appear within minutes, in some cases accompanied by itching. The first outbreak of urticaria can lead to other reactions on body parts not directly stimulated, scraped, or scratched. In a normal case, the swelling will decrease without treatment within 15–30 minutes, but, in extreme cases, itchy red welts may last anywhere from a few hours to days.

Symptoms are thought to be the result of histamine being released by mast cells on the surface of the skin. Due to the lack of antigens, histamine causes the skin to swell in affected areas. If the membrane that surrounds the mast cells is too weak it will easily and rapidly break down under physical pressure, which then causes an allergic-like reaction.

Symptoms can be caused or induced by:

stress, tight or abrasive clothing, watches, glasses, heat, cold, pressure on exposed skin, infection.

In this case, the cause for Kihyun's dermatographic urticaria is stress.

Kihyun also has depression, more specifically **Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)**.

 **Depression**  is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, tendencies, feelings, and sense of well-being. A depressed mood is a normal temporary reaction to life events such as loss of a loved one. It is also a symptom of some physical diseases and a side effect of some drugs and medical treatments. Depressed mood is also a symptom of some mood disorder  such as major depressive disorder  or dhysthymia.

 **Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)** : SAD is a mood disorder that has a seasonal pattern. The cause of the disorder is unclear, but it's thought to be related to the variation in light exposure in different seasons. It's characterised by mood disturbances (either periods of depression or mania) that begin and end in a particular season. Depression which starts in winter and subsides when the season ends is the most common. It's usually diagnosed after the person has had the same symptoms during winter for a couple of years. People with SAD depression are more likely to experience a lack of energy, sleep too much, overeat, gain weight and crave for carbohydrates but in this case Kihyun didn't sleep as much as a normal person would because he also has **Insomnia** , also known as  **sleeplessness** , is a sleep disorder where people have trouble sleeping. They may have difficulty falling asleep, or staying asleep as long as desired. Insomnia is typically followed by daytime sleepiness, low energy, irritability, and a depressed mood. It may result in an increased risk of motor vehicle collisions, as well as problems focusing and learning. Insomnia can be short term, lasting for days or weeks, or long term, lasting more than a month.

Long short story, everything that has happened to Kihyun were triggered by his parents' death. They were involved in a very bad car accident, leaving the 9 years old Kihyun all wounded up and alone in hospital. He was raised by his uncle and his wife, they are very nice to Kihyun.

-

Chae Hyungwon, an English literature professor in one of South Korea's top university, Seoul Institute of Technology. Hyungwon himself is a very mysterious person, doesn't hang out with other teachers. He also wrote poems in his free time, tragic and depressing poems.

Hyungwon secretly studies about dermatographic urticaria because his childhood friend has it, and was bullied for it. Leading his friend to committed a suicide right in front of Hyungwon (his friend killed himself with a gun). Later on Hyungwon received treatment for his horrible experience and was able to get his degree in English literature.

Kihyun signed up to his class because he is very interested in Hyungwon's poems, without knowing that Hyungwon actually studies dermatographic urticaria. Hyungwon immediately realized what's wrong with Kihyun on the first day of his class but he didn't push it any further as he is one of those teachers who respected the boundaries between a student and a teacher.

-

"I just want to be alive." - Yoo Kihyun

"Human is a stupid kind of race who acts based on impulsive emotions with the attitude of superior beings, death is something luxury for them." - Chae Hyungwon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More characters to come, all of Monsta X members will definitely be in this one, along with DAY6 and Stray Kids.
> 
> This story will have some triggering events, such as self harm, depression, suicidal actions and all.
> 
> I hope you will give this story lots of love too, my updates will still be regularly on weekend.
> 
> As for now, I'm doing research for my story. This one will be very personal to me, I also love poetry. I was inspired to write this story when I heard Lana Del Rey's Video Games, which will be the main theme song for this book.  
> I will give/suggest you a song from her in every chapters, I also suggest you listen to her songs. She is one of the greatest singers, she might sounds very depressed but that's how she is. Her voice is very calming yet painful, you can totally feel the message she wants to tell us through her songs.
> 
> Again, to all of you who have been reading, loving and waiting for my books thank you so much.


	2. Chapter 1: Blue Jeans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /I suggest you to listen to Lana Del Rey's Blue Jeans/

_"Blue jeans, white shirt._   
_Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn._   
_It was like James Dean for sure._   
_You're so fresh to death and sick as cancer"_

-

Kihyun stared at the grey coulds above him, crowding the sky, engulfing the world from its light as silver streaks began to show at its end.  
The rumbling sounds from thunder sends vibrations through the ground to Kihyun's feet, blasting his ears with the sounds of anger.

8:45 AM

He's 5 minutes away from being late to his first class of this semester, he skipped to many semester and this was his last chance to graduate. It wasn't like he was doing it in purpose, he was sick.

I guess you can call it a disease.

The feeling of wanting to be alive in the midst of moving crowds, the feeling of wanting to be seen, to be heard in the midst of chaos.

No matter how many times his doctor told him that he is alive, his heart is beating just like any other it wasn't enough. He needs proofs, that he's alive in the same time as everyone.

He needs proofs that those sleepless night, those screeching sounds he heard every night were lies. A nightmare, something that wasn't real. The feeling of somehing crawling under his skin, leaving red marks all over his body in the morning.

It wasn't real... was it?

Nobody believe him, no one. No matter how many times he yelled it out, nobody is going to hear him. As if his voice drowned in the crowds' noises.

He had seek for help, but it was only lies at the end of the day. The voices, the ghosts and the red marks are still visible on his pale skin, clear as crystal.

Those people, those who were on their phone, newspaper or even just like him, trying to race with time. Those eyes, those looks, those disgusting faces. It's written on their faces, the disgust they feel towards him. No matter what he does, where he goes they will always keep looking at him with disgust. As if he was a disease... or maybe he was.

Kihyun took a deep breath before speeding up to his college, he had enough. This was his last chance, no more locking himself up in his small apartment, no more drowning in his own self.

Kihyun breath in relief as he made it in time, the professor hasn't arrived yet. He could feel the burning eyes on him as he looked for the furthest seat, right on the corner. He put his bag down and took his notes, which full of highlighted words and sticky notes.

This was his first time in English literature class, he wasn't interested in literature before but after he read one of the poems under the name of _'Summer'_ he started to get interested in literature. They way this summer worded their thoughts really gets on Kihyun's nerves.

He was always wondering, how's it's like to be alive? Just like any others but this Summer... always said that death is something luxury for them, that they'd wished to be death instead of living amongst ignorant race.

What was their deal? Here, Kihyun was trying so badly to be alive while they wished to be death.

His attention was pulled away as he could heard footsteps, he looked up and was stunned.

Chae Hyungwon, his literature professor was no more than 30, he's 25 if Kihyun wasn't mistaken.

Young and talented, beautiful and deadly, perfect and unreal.

He was dressed in black fitting suit, his burgundy hair was styled back, showing his forehead. There were thick books in his hand as the other held a cup of coffee.

He sets his books on the table and cleared his throat, his hawk-like eyes scanned the room and locked into Kihyun's.

Kihyun looked down in embarrassment, it feels like his soul was being eaten alive by the older man.

"Good morning" Mr. Chae spoke to the mic  
The other students murmured 'good morning' but Kihyun still held his head down.  
"All eyes on me, put down your phone because I don't want to deal with any of your shits next semester" he said with uninterested tone.

-

Hyungwon sighed as he parked his car, took his books and coffee as he makes his way towards the classroom.

Humans are stupid, judging and idiot.

They acts like superior beings when the truth was they don't even use 1% of their brain. It was stupid, and he was stuck to teach them about the beauty of a language.

Death or alive. They were the same thing, why are humans trying so hard to live anyway? They'd die eventually.

It irritates him to no end, the useless efforts they put into their life. What's the point of trying to be a saint when you're just another sinner?  
Careless act, and judging words, driving each other to the brink of insanity.

Is he insane or what? Boy, he wished he was insane so that he didn't have to face the society.

He passed few students who bids him 'good mornings'

_Ah, pathetic._

8:50 AM

He's on time again, as usual. Watching kids rushed to their classes was something he considered fun but not to his class.

The whole class fell silent as he made his way to the platform, put his books and coffee down.

"Good morning" His dark honey eyes scanned the room, some couple of teenagers in love, nerds, and some other who didn't even pay enough attention as to why they're in his class.

One kid

One kid with grey hair and curious eyes, excited but dead.

He looked right into the boy's eyes making the boy flustered and looked down.

"All eyes on me, put down your phone because I don't want to deal with any of your shits next semester" Hyungwon said, deciding that the kid was not worth his time... was he?

The class soon started, Hyungwon explained some basics literature to the idiots who keeps looking with mouth open.

_If you don't understand a fuckin thing just delete your whole existence._

"Alexander Lee, if you keep falling asleep in my class I will gladly drop you out. F for your grade" Hyungwon said, eyes still on his books. Not bothering to looked up and the said kid.  
"Marisse and Jackson, I will not tolerate such a vulgarity in my class. Quit it or F will be your final grade" the couple immediately fixed their postures and pretend to read their books.  
"Open page 253, I will be expecting your essays by tomorrow morning 7 AM.  
I expect no less than 50k words. Class dismissed" Hyungwon said as he heard the students groaned in despair.

_If you don't want to at least try and push it, just die._

Hyungwon took a sip of his coffee as he watched the kids leaving the classroom one by one, his eyes falls on the boy earlier. He already wore his backpack with his notebook in his hand, holding it close to his chest.

_Nerd_

But what catches Hyungwon's attention was the boy's demeanors, he always avoid eye contacts and tried to stay as far as possible from the other students. Avoiding any skin contacts.

_Mysophobia?_

Hyungwon snorted, as his eyes follow the boy's movement.  
The boy keeps biting his lips and looked down, he scratched his neck before a guy called him.  
"Kihyun!"

_Ah, Lee Minhyuk. Mr. Son's boyfriend_

_Did he say Kihyun?_

The boy looked up and smiled a little, relief was clearly written on his face but when he took Minhyuk's hand Hyungwon's eyes widened at the mark.

The claw marks on his neck, the red marks on the surface of his pale skin, right where the boy just scratched his neck.

_Could it be...?_

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried, don't murder me for this.  
> I highly suggest you to listen to the songs I suggest on every chapters.
> 
> Hmu on twitter @ ajaeparkian


	3. Chapter 2: Dark Paradise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /I highly suggest you to listen to Lana Del Rey's Dark Paradise/

_"Every time I close my eyes,_  
_It's like a dark paradise._  
_No one compares to you,_  
_I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side"_

-

"How was your day?" Kihyun hummed to the phone  
"Fine I guess..." Kihyun answered softly, looking at his reflection on the mirror in front of him. Running his hand through his pale skin that was painted by scratches and red marks.

"Really? Did you make any new friend?" Kihyun runs his tainted fingers on his flat stomach, blood runs through the cuts on his hand.

"No... but the class was... good" he could hear Minhyuk talked to his boyfriend in the back, Son Hyunwoo. Their PE teacher.

Minhyuk had always has a thing for older men, even back when they were still in high school , he dated a boy in college. It's no surprise that he'd dated their PE teacher, he was literally all over the man. He'd gone as far as to joining the swimming team Mr. Son currently coaching.

"Good? So you're interested then?"  
"I don't know..." Kihyun eyes fixed on his neck, where the red marks seemed a lot worse than the other.

"Did you take your medicine?"  
"Humm" Kihyun hummed as he looked to the beside table where pills were scattered on the floor.

"I did" Kihyun said before he clawed at his stomach again, biting his lips to prevent a whimper out. The skin quickly turned red, as if it was burned from the inside.

"What are you doing now?" Kihyun bend down to take a piece of broken glass, holding in tightly in his fist as blood began to drips onto the floor.

"Nothing..." he looked at his now wounded hand, he brought his hand up and looked at his fingers that were covered by blood. Some of the blood even dripped onto his face, down to his lips.

"You need to make new friends you know, not that I don't want to be yours anymore but a new addition won't hurt"  
"I know" Kihyun said as he put his wounded palm on the mirror in front of him.

"See you tomorrow ...?"  
"Sure" as soon as the line was disconnected Kihyun hits the mirror until it shattered.

_I can't feel anything ..._

-

"Weren't you supposed to be meeting with the teachers?" Hoseok asked as he sat down beside Hyungwon who was sipping his tea comfortably.  
"I never said yes" Hoseok sighed at his besfriend's asnwer  
"It wasn't exactly an invitation, it was a meeting Hyungwon." Hyungwon said nothing as he began to read the book in his hands, _The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde._

Hoseok sighed again and took the old and dusty book from Hyungwon's hands, he looked at the book with pure wonder.  
"Listen, you are young. I mean you're barely 25, why are you reading this over and over again? It's an old book, an old and disturbing tragedy written in all codes and languages. Stop torturing yourself like this" Hyungwon took the book back  
"I'm not, and this isn't just some old book. You haven't read this and thus have no rights or whatsoever saying that this is just some old tragedy." Hyungwon said looking at Hoseok uninterested  
"Well, I know that Dorian is a bad guy. He basically worshipped his own beauty and wished a painting of him grew old instead of him, what kind of a sane person to actually wish for something like that? Forget about it, it actually happened. He didn't grow old at all, found a beautiful actress, enchanted by her acting but couldn't even see through the layers of imperfections that she was actually nervous performing in front of her beloved. He left her and it leads to her death, she killed herself because of that and what? She's not the last person he killed, and the end? It sucks dude" Hoseok huffed in annoyance, he's not a literary connoisseur like Hyungwon but he did read the weird book when he was in college and it was the worst experience he ever had. He had nightmares about the last scene where Dorian teared his painting which ended killing him too.

 _"He has stood as Paris in dainty armour, and as Adonis with huntsman's cloak and polished boar-spear. Crowned with heavy lotus-blossoms, he has sat on the prow of Adrian's barge, looking into the green, turbid Nile. He has leaned over the still pool of some Greek woodland, and seen in the water's silent silver the wonder of his own beauty."_ Hoseok looked at Hyungwon confused  
"It was what Basil said about Dorian, don't you get the feeling that he's romantically interested in Dorian more than he should? It's just that... love and affection... you don't have to blatantly expressed them, just a touch, a little piece of our soul.. Basil gave Dorian a piece of his soul in that painting and it what makes Dorian's insane wish came true don't you think? The affection Basil felt for him, the forbidden romance in his heart. Dorian's understatement was _that beauty and sensual fulfilment are the only things worth pursuing in life._ It was heavily influenced by Lord Henry Wotton's hedonistic worldview... a soul that thirst over beauty"  
"I still don't get it" Hyungwon sighed and sipped his tea  
"To put it simply this book pictured on how the world sees and judged something or someone by their looks, an everlasting beauty was something luxury and should be worshipped... with its own consequences of course.  
Every beauty and perfection comes with great consequences and flaws, no one can be perfect in this sad world." when Hoseok said nothing Hyungwon sighed  
"What are you doing here in the first place?"  
"To know why the fuck you're not attending the meeting of course" Hoseok rolled his eyes  
"Well, now you know, feel free to exit yourself" Hoseok huffed, he knows too well that the reason why Hyungwon keep reading the book over and over again was because of his _little brother_.

Shin Haein, the young and cheerful boy.

Probably Hyungwon's only friend when he was a child, that book was Haein's favorite, despite suffering from an iillness called Dermatographic Urticaria. It was painted permanently in the back of Hoseok's mind when Haein was diagnosed with that, he started to locked himself, crying and clawing at his own skin.

The smile that usually painted his beautiful face was gone, the laughter died inside his empty heart. He no longer enjoyed being born, he started to have problems interacting with the society and Hyungwon was always be there for him but the bullying didn't stop, it was getting worse as one of the students took a picture of Haein's scratched skin and published it on school's newspaper.

It was hard, hell, Hoseok think it was an impossibly hard times. The whole school, pointing their fingers at his little brother, calling him monster.

It was hard because the wounds keep reopening, he keep clawing at his own wounds until they're bleeding over and over again.

It was hard because he had to hear his brother asking, pleading to be killed because it was hard for him.

It was hard when the only emotion inside his brother's eyes was fear.

It was hard when Hoseok held his brother's limp body, covered in blood, a gun lay on his other hand. A gun that belongs to Hoseok who just visited his family from the military.

It was hard as Hyungwon fall onto his knees, pulling his hair and keep screaming 'I'm sorry'.

It was hard as he had to watch the life faded from his little brother' eyes, _it was hard_.

That very moment, Hoseok lost his dear little brother, a brother he loved so much but maybe for Hyungwon... that day, he lost a piece of his soul.

"At least let them know that you won't be coming" Hoseok said as he stand up, looking down at Hyungwon who was starting at the book in his hands.  
_"Keep living"_ Hoseok said before he walked away.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dark Paradise is such a masterpiece, y'all really need to listen to it. Never mind, listen to her whole discography even better.  
> She's a live saver, personally for me.  
> Also I have read The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde and I must say that it was such a heavy book for beginners. The ending was, rather disturbing and unsolved for me personally, but it was epic.  
> Complicated and real with its way of hypocrisy, the way Dorian worshipped his own beauty, aren't we all just like him? But rather a modern version of him.  
> Shin Haein here is the actor one, his name is Jung Haein but I changed his surename to Shin, I don't know why I suddenly think of him when I wrote this.  
> Both Kihyun and Hyungwon have their own monster and fear to deal with, hopefully... they will.
> 
>  
> 
> Note: I made a mistake about the name of the actor, it was supposed to be Jung Haein but I remembered his name as Shin Jaeha and turned out they were completely two different person/actor.  
> I sincerely apologize for my mistakes.


	4. Chapter 3: When You Were Young

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /I suggest you to listen to The Killers - When You Were Young/

_"You sit there in your heartache_  
_Waiting on some beautiful boy to_  
_To save your from your old ways_  
_You play forgiveness_  
_Watch it now, here he comes_

 _He doesn't look a thing like Jesus_  
_But he talks like a gentlemen_  
_Like you imagined when you were young"_

-

"Will you be fine?" Minhyuk asked as he drove Kihyun to the college, Kihyun nodded.  
"I can't come in today because we had a practice but call me as soon as you finish" Minhyuk said, looking to his side where Kihyun was sitting, staring out the window.

"You don't have to pick me, I can use the subway..." Minhyuk's eyebrows knitted in confusion  
"Are you really okay? You never want to use the subway Kihyun, not even once"  
"It's okay" Kihyun said, not paying attention to Minhyuk's concern

Minhyuk sighed and continue to drive in silence, he has learned not to push the younger male if he didn't want to trigger any of Kihyun's bad habits.  
Kihyun has never been a socialist, he likes it simple and quiet. He's been having a hard time going to college, a public place, which mean he has to socialize. His past was something that prevents him from allowing outsiders inside his comfort zone.

This was Kihyun's last chance of graduating, one more mistake and he will be dropped out. Kihyun was one of the top in his class, but he started skipping classes after a few weeks in. He locked himself in his apartment, not coming out and only eat packs of unhealthy ramen for months. Minhyuk tried to make the boy coming back to classes, but it's no use. Kihyun is one of a very stubborn species.

"We are here" he said as he stopped the car, Kihyun took his bag and opened up the car door.  
"Thank you for the ride" he said before closing the car door again  
"Call me if you need anything" Kihyun nodded before walking away  
"Will he be okay...?"

-

Kihyun took his usual seat and took his notes out, the class soon started to get full. Students chattering and throwing jokes, couples making out, nothing that attracts Kihyun's attention until Mr. Chae made his way towards the podium.

He wore a simple black turtle neck and a burgundy long coat, framing his lean body perfectly.

 

If one think, it might looked like any normal casual wear for the teacher, nothing special until your eyes landed on his expensive Florsheim Men's Castellano Monk Oxford shoes.

His hair was styled up, exposing his forehead. A typical hairstyle to make you looked even more hot, he didn't looked like he was any youger than 25, probably 27 or 28. He held what seemed like a very old and dusty book in his hand, and the other hand held his usual drink, Iced Americano.

He put his things down and cleared his throat, successfully gained the class' attention to him. His hawk like eyes scanned the room, this time missing Kihyun's honey brown ones.

"I expected all of you to finished the essay I gave days ago, almost all of you submitted your works. Though, I have to admitted that some of it were poorly written..." Hyungwon eyeing the students on his right side  
"Even a 10 years old kid can do better, some of it have less than 50k words which disappoint me as well. Some others were simply out of topics, I assumed that you clearly did not read the materials I gave you..." Hyungwon looked at a certain guy sitting on his left side  
"Some of them were... sexually written from the impulse you felt towards a specific tall, cold with kissable lips professor." Hyungwon looked at the girl sitting in the front row coldly.  
"And some of them were written..." Hyungwon paused his words, he seemed like trying to find the right words.  
"Critically beautiful... but _empty_ " Hyungwon said, looking right into Kihyun's eyes. Startling the boy and immediately made Kihyun looked down.  
"I'm surprised that it has many varieties even though I specifically said to write about a certain theme... but it only proofs me that some of you have stopped using your brain ever since elementary grade" Hyungwon said in annoyance.  
"Let me remind you one more time, my subject is not something you can play with. If I decided that you will not graduate this season, you won't. I did not spend my time to teach you, only to have failures and I certainly not pleased to see your disgusting faces for the next season, you better make a use of that tiny brain of yours or else I'm going to drop you out from this college." Hyungwon said, taking a sip of his coffee casually.  
"Is there any questions?" He asked, looking up to his students. The whole class fell silent and Kihyun could see the way Hyungwon's eye twitched.

The class soon begin with Hyungwon displaying one of the greatest works by William Shakespeare, for today they will be learning about Shakespeare's biography.

Kihyun write down notes that he thinks will be useful later, it seemed like he was not the only one paying attention as well. He keeps taking notes, eyebrows furrowed in confusion when he can't understand a few parts, biting his lips when he was unsure of something. Certainly didn't realize that Hyungwon was now looking at him with his intense gaze, watching every single of his moves.

Hyungwon began to round the seats, checking the students whether they pay attention or not. His feet stopped when he reached Kihyun's spot, the boy still mesmerized in the screen in front of him.

Hyungwon take a look closer at the boy, his hair was perfectly dyed to ash grey, styled to make it seemed soft and fluffy. Kihyun has a very pale skin, almost flawless. His lips were the color of cherry red, and his tiny hands that were engulfed in his big sweater. Hyungwon's attention was now at the notes Kihyun was taking, despite hurriedly written his handwriting was beautiful, neat and tidy.

"Tradition has it that William Shakespeare died on his 52nd birthday, April 23, 1616, though many scholars believe this is a myth. Church records show he was interred at Trinity Church on April 25, 1616." Hyungwon suddenly said from behind Kihyun, leaning down to see his handwriting better.

He was so close to Kihyun, the boy could literally felt the warmth of his breathing on his neck, sending shivers through his spine. Kihyun was sure that his ears must be the color of boiled crab by now.

"I'm sorry, sir?"  
"It wasn't stated nor it was officially said, no one knows when he was born or die. It was simply an assumption and thus you cannot write _'it was stated that William Shakespeare died on his 52nd birthday, April 23 1616.'_ It should have been ' _many believe that he died on his 52nd birthday, April 1616 although it was uncertain because many scholars believe this is a myth. Church records show he was interred at Trinity Church on April 25, 1616.'_ It didn't stated on when did he died exactly." Hyungwon explained, his long fingers tracing Kihyun's handwriting. Taking his pen and wrote the correction on Kihyun's notes, Kihyun was so mesmerized in Hyungwon's neat handwriting, it looked like one of those scholars' handwriting, the one from old parchments. He was so mesmerized that he didn't realize Hyungwon's face was only centimeters away from his own.

"Are you listening, Yoo Kihyun?"  
"Eh?" Kihyun turned his head to the sudden and widened his eyes when his lips accidentally meet with Hyungwon's plush one. He quickly pulled away and covered his mouth, fortunately the students were to busy taking notes on documentary of William Shakespeare that he played on screen and nobody notice what happened in the back.  
"I-I'm sorry sir" Kihyun stuttered, face blushing madly  
"I-I didn't m-mean to-"  
"Are you listening?" Hyungwon asked Kihyun, seemed to be unbothered by the situation  
"Y-yes sir" Hyungwon murmured 'good' before walking back to his podium  
"I will be asking questions for our next meeting about William Shakespeare, so I expect all of you to learn more about him. I want no gibberish answer like the ones in your essays, that's it for today" Hyungwon dismissed the class  
Kihyun hurriedly walked out from the class, avoiding Hyungwon's eyes as he walked passed the podium. He breath in relief when he was outside.

He looked around and immediately realized that Minhyuk won't be there to distract him from the outside world, his grip on his backpack tightened as he made his way to his next class.

_"Mr. Chae..."_

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so much fun to write, once I started to write it I couldn't stop. It just flows naturally, or maybe because I like the way Mr. Chae was portrayed here.  
> This time I didn't recommend Lana Del Rey's songs, I choose The Killers instead. They might've sound... a little bit old style but it was a good song.
> 
> Please do tell me what you think of this chapter^^
> 
> Hmu on twitter @ ajaeparkian


	5. Chapter 4: Lust For Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /I highly suggest you to listen to Lana Del Rey's Lust For Life/

_"Cause we're the masters of our own fate_  
_We're the captains of our own souls"_

-

Kihyun sat on the edge of his messy bed, it's 9 in the morning and he should be on his way to college now but instead he sat in his dark room, looking outside the window as the wind blows softly, the curtains danced to the rhythm, as the wind chimes softly rings.

 

He still remember when he and Minhyuk made those wind chimes, Kihyun made a simple transparent one, with an "Angels of The Earth" written on the paper

 

while Minhyuk made the colorful ones, they wrote their wish on them too.

One wind chime was given by his doctor, it was a violet coloured wind chime with a cherry blossom flower drawn on it.

 

there was also Teru Teru Bozu dolls hanging, a doll to prevent the rain.

 

It was dark and windy outside but not raining, just a cold kiss on your skin. Kihyun stand up and walked towards the window, his hair moving softly from the wind.

He bite his lips when the image of Mr. Chae flooded his mind, there's no Mr. Chae's class today so he'll skip it. Kihyun's right hand began to travel down to his stomach while he sucked his other hand, saliva dripping down to his chin as his other hand softly grazing his sensitive skin, scratching and tickling his flat stomach.

He held back a moan when he remembered how close Mr. Chae was yesterday, he sucked on his fingers slowly not able to hold his moans any longer.

"Mmmmhh" he moaned as he imagine that the hands that were teasing him were Mr. Chae's.  
"Ahhh" Kihyun moaned as the hand played with his nipples until it's red and hard, the hand that was now covered in his saliva traveled down to his crotch.

He moaned loudly as he pulled his pants and boxer down, hissing at the cold wind when it blows right to his face. His whole body was burning despite the cold, the hand stroked his painful erection, up and down in a slow pace, the thumb slides over the head, smearing the precum down to his shaft.

"M-Mr. Chae..." Kihyun moaned as he imagine Mr. Chae's long and slender fingers around his throbbing cock, pumping it up and down slowly, he bet that Mr. Chae's big hand can cover his whole length. Those long fingers playing with his balls, teasing his perineum as his long fingers makes its way to his pink hole.

"Hhmmhh... M-Mr. Chae.." Kihyun lets out a shaky breath as the hand was back on his erection, pumping it faster than before as the other hand still playing with his nipples under his white oversized shirt.

"Ahh hha!" Kihyun's moans getting louder and louder with each strokes.  
"Unghh!" Kihyun lets out a high pitched moan as he came, spurting white ropes onto his palms  
Kihyun runs his other hand to his sticky hair, he looked to the mirror beside him, he was a mess.  
Hair disheveled, lips red and swollen from the bites, hand covered in his cum, pants thrown to the floor wearing only his white shirt and his breath was irregular.

He closed his eyes as his eyebrows knitted in pain, he lets out a whimper.

_"Mr. Chae..."_

-

Kihyun pulled his hoodie over his head as he fixed his mask, he tried to walk faster, avoiding the burning gaze on him as he reached the nearby mart. He didn't plan to go out for the day but his fridge said the otherwise and he couldn't find his phone to order a takeout so here he was, outside under the dark and rumbling sky, in the midst of strange faces.

He hates to go outside if it wasn't needed but there was nothing he could do, not when his stomach protest after jerking off too early in the morning with empty stomach.

That too, is a problem. Kihyun **never** , ever jerked off to the image of someone, let alone that, he never really jerked off because he couldn't find the sparks that people were talking about, the electricity runs through your veins as you indulge yourself in Lucifer's heaven. He could never understand the colors in people's eyes, the love they felt when they looked into their lover's eyes.

He could never understand how it feels. He spent the rest of his life wondering about how's it like to be alive, to breath and to live in the same time as everyone else. He could never fit in the moving world as he was the only one trying to rush against the flow while Mr. Chae....

Kihyun shook his head, he shouldn't be thinking about the man he just jerked off to. He shouldn't be thinking about the possibility of Mr. Chae and Summer is the same person, the paper that slipped from Mr. Chae's pocket the other day... a piece of crumpled paper with one of Summer's poems, written neatly in Mr. Chae's tidy handwriting.

Kihyun shook his head again and slapped his face, he winced at the sting pain. He really shouldn't be thinking about the man at all, besides there was no way Summer and Mr. Chae is the same person.

Summer was... passive, like he was the only one not moving in the crowds, while Kihyun tried to fight back, Summer did nothing while Mr. Chae... Mr. Chae moved as he pleased, whether it's his current or not. He could easily blend in the crowds and stand out the most, he's the epitome of everyone's dream as they felt no hesitation to follow him.

While Kihyun moves the opposite from the current he's in, Summer not moving an inch from his own... Mr. Chae was leading his own current.

They are three different individuals with different path and dream, different life and pain, different history.

Kihyun sighed as he made his way to the meat section, he really need to stop. All those new feelings he felt inside his body were caused by Mr. Chae and he really should think of him as a threat. He should be.

Kihyun's honey brown eyes scanning the neatly displayed fresh meat, he was planning on eating packs of ramen but then he remembered that it's been months ever since he ate something healthy.  
He looked over the chicken breasts, chewing on his lips as he was making his decision whether to go with chicken or tenderloin. He could always go for a nice tenderloin steak with some asparagus, potatoes and cherry tomatoes while chicken was a little bit troublesome to make. He decided to treat himself after all the depressed days he forced his body to stand.

He reached out his hand to take the meat when he bumped into another hand, Kihyun looked up and his eyes widened. It was Mr. Chae, in black oversized hoodie and he wore specs, his hair was pink. Pink. He dyed his hair pink and it was styled down, it looks so fluffy Kihyun had to bit his lips hard not to reach out and ruffle his fluffy pink hair.

"Oh? You live nearby?" Hyungwon asked Kihyun casually, clearly not surprised or shocked that one of his students just run into him in a nearby mart.  
Kihyun was busy staring he didn't hear the question.  
"Kihyun-ssi?"  
"Eh?" Kihyun blinked  
"I was asking, do you live nearby?" Hyungwon asked one more time, clearly annoyed that he has to repeat himself  
"O-oh..." Kihyun nodded shyly  
"You cook?" He nodded again  
"Do you live alone" he nodded, looking down and failed to realize Hyungwon was looking at his neck, his red and full of scratches neck.  
"I have a good red wine at my place..." Hyungwon said, taking the tenderloin. Kihyun looked up  
"I'm sorry...?" Hyungwon looked at him with unreadable expression  
"You can drink red wine right?"


	6. Chapter 5: Carmen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /I suggest you to listen to Lana Del Rey's Carmen/

_She says, "You don't want to be like me_  
_Don't wanna see all the things I've seen."_  
_I'm dying, I'm dying_  
_She says, "You don't want to get this way_  
_Famous and dumb at an early age."_  
_Lying, I’m lying_

-

So Kihyun ended up following Hyungwon to his apartment, it was two blocks away from Kihyun's apartment. From the building itself Kihyun could see that only rich people live here, they took the elevator as Hyungwon pressed the 10th floor button.

They waited in silence as Kihyun kept his distance away from Hyungwon, he looked down, hiding his face with his hood as Hyungwon watched him closely.

They quickly reached the 10th floor and went to Hyungwon's apartment, it was huge. Expensive, huge and stylish.

As Kihyun went inside he realized that the insides were mostly white, showing Hyungwon's perfectionist and hygiene side.

The walls were covered with hug book shelves, from the latest book to the limited ones.

No wonder Hyungwon became a very great and respected literature professor, but some of the books catch Kihyun's eyes, books that Summer said are his favourites but it's not possible right?  
Kihyun shook his head as Hyungwon led him to the kitchen, Hyungwon puts the bags down and looked at Kihyun who was mesmerized by the size of his apartment.

"You can sit here" Hyungwon said before turning away, preparing the utensils he was about to use.

Kihyun blinked before taking a seat at the kitchen counter, watching Hyungwon's back carefully. Hyungwon's back wasn't as broad as their P.E teacher but also not small like their Music teacher, it was perfect.

Kihyun's eyes traveled down to his ass, not a perfect peach one but rather flat. Kihyun bites his lips at the thoughts of Mr. Chae's ass as he shook his head rapidly, earning the attention of the said person. Hyungwon raised his eyebrows at Kihyun's weird behavior before going back to wash the vegetables.

Kihyun cursed himself as he accidentally looked at Hyungwon's long and skinny legs, they were long and curved... wonder if he's the type to shave his legs or not.

Kihyun coughed a little to distract himself as he watch Hyungwon began to clean the meat and turning on the automatic stove. Hyungwon looked professional, as if he did all of this in his whole life.

Kihyun looked around the apartment, when he looked closely he realized that it was actually quite empty, there was no self frames on the wall, only book shelves and paintings.

It looked rather lonely.

The only photo in the house was on the table near the book shelves, he couldn't see what photo it was from his position. The sound of cooking brought Kihyun back to the man in front of him, Hyungwon was now cooking the meat and vegetables.

"I hope you like Domaine Leroy Chambertin Grand Cru 1990" Hyungwon said as he put down the plate, perfectly decorated with elegant and classy feeling.

He also bought two glass wine and took a bottle of red wine from the underneath the counter, which Kihyun assumed what Hyungwon asked earlier.

"I don't know much about wine... sir" Hyungwon looked at him with unreadable eyes before he opened the cap and pour the red liquid to their glass.

The smell of red cherries, plums, earth and sweet spices hits Kihyun's nostrils sharply, the boy coughed a few time before taking a deep breath.

"Say... Kihyun..." Hyungwon said taking the glass in his hand  
"Do you have... _secrets?_ " Hyungwon said, taking a sip of his red wine. Eyes never leaving Kihyun's exposed neck.  
"S-secrets...?"  
"Nevermind, let's just eat. The foods are getting colder" Hyungwon said before taking a piece of meat into his mouth.

-

They were now sitting in Hyungwon's living room with Kihyun trying to sit as far as possible from the man, Hyungwon was watching the TV, changing the channel lazily.

"You don't have any class today?" Kihyun's breath hitched, something in Hyungwon's voice stirred his stomach, creating a sickening feeling that makes Kihyun wants to throw up.

The fact that Hyungwon knew that he has a class today was also terrifying, how did he even know? Does he stalked his students often like this?

"I..."  
"You don't have to answer" Hyungwon said coldly

_Because I know you're lying_

"Do you perhaps ever heard skin writting?" Kihyun held his breath, his hands were trembling and sweating now, he bites his lips.  
"L-like t-tattoo?" Hyungwon shook his head, Kihyun couldn't see it but he's sure that the boy know.  
"Dermatographic Urticaria" Hyungwon said again, this time Kihyun lowered his head even more.  
"I-I never h-heard of it... sir"

_Liar_

"I'm sorry if I make you uncomfortable" Hyungwon said again, standing up as he walked towards the panic boy  
"I-I need to go home sir!" Kihyun suddenly said, looking up with his big eyes, pupils dilated as his breathing was erratic.

Hyungwon said nothing as he stared down at the boy, he reached out his hand as Kihyun closed his eyes tightly.

"Sure" Hyungwon said taking his phone that was on the table behind the couch.

-

Kihyun bowed to Hyungwon for the last time, turning away and began to walked. He waited for a moment before he heard Hyungwon's apartment door being locked and he runs, as fast as he could.

Away from everything, away from the people and away from the judging eyes.

Kihyun continue to run, ignoring the people he bumped into, ignoring his harsh breathing as he finally reached his own small apartment, finding his key and trying to unlock the door. He was too panic that the key slipped from his hand.

_Shit_

He tried it again, but it's stil won't opened.

_Ah fuck_

**_Why are you like this?_ **

_Stop it_

**_Stop trembling like some prey_ **

_Shit_

**_You are so idiot_ **

**_Just opened the damn door!_ **

Kihyun took a sharp breath before shutting his eyes tight, he tried to calm his heart, the rapid beating as if it wanted to jumped out.

Finally he managed to unlock the door, rushing in immediately as he closed the door, dropping onto his knees as he tried to calm his breathing.

"Uuuhhhh" Kihyun shuts his eyes as he unconsciously pulled his hair  
"Uunghh" Kihyun's body began to shake violently as he sobs, his hands began to clawed at his neck, he tried to bit his lips to stop but it's still there.

The unwanted feelings, the sick waves inside him.

His lips were bleeding now from the harsh biting as his hand traveled down to his stomach and chest, clawing at the pale skin until it turned red and bloody.

**_Disgusting_ **

_Why won't it go away?_

_Leave me alone_

"Uuuhhhh" Kihyun continue to sobs as the cloud began to dropped its tears, drowning the cries of those who seek for help in its high pitch scream, rumbling down to the earth.

-

Hyungwon's eyes scanned the screen of his computer, clicking his mouse to each file, reading through each words.  
"Yoo Kihyun, lost his parents in a car accident when he was only 9 years old. The investigation went up to 3 months straight but unfortunately the case was closed due to lack of evidence, Mr. Yoo was a Marshal of the air force in the South Korea's Air Force and Mrs. Yoo was a military doctor..." Hyungwon paused

_So... he lost his parents at the age of 9 but wasn't he supposed to be more collected than this? A stable background, not a depressed teenager with depressed life._

"Yoo Kihyun was sent to a private health center to treat his trauma from the accident, he was badly injured from the crash and had to take a personal psychiatrist. He stayed in the health center for about 6 years before finally healthy enough to live alone"

_6 years?_

"It was stated that Yoo Kihyun has a severe mental illness passed down from his parents but until this report was made, there was no clarification of what kind of mental illness he has." Hyungwon closed the file  
"He was 9 years old when his parents died, 6 years in health center and one unknown mental illness... who are you, Yoo Kihyun?"

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please noted that there are two voices in Kihyun's head, one is himself and the other one is his mental illness speaking.


	7. Chapter 6:  茜さす (Akane Sasu)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /I suggest you to listen to Aimer's 茜さす (Akane Sasu) when reading this/

_"I bid farewell to the shadows I've met under this vibrant, red sky of dusk"_

 

-

 

After what happened with Hyungwon, Kihyun began to skip classes again, he ignored Minhyuk's call and messages, locked himself in his small apartment... away from the noise... away from the monsters.

 

Kihyun was curled up in the corner of his dark room, his hair was a mess and he was wearing an oversized grey sweater. He bite his nails unconsciously, completely unaware of the blood trickling down from his fingers to his clothes. He was too far away drowning in his inside monsters.

 

Kihyun whimpered and hugged his knees tighter, it's cold... but his whole body was burning like crazy to the bones. His lips were trembling from the cold, his body was drenched in sweats.

 

"Uhh..." Kihyun closed his eyes tightly, biting his lips until they were bleeding

 

"No..." Kihyun shook his head

 

"Go away..."

 

 

-

 

 

Kihyun had been missing from his class ever since the day he took the kid for dinner, was it because of what he said? His demeanor? Or was it because he spoke the truth?

 

Hyungwon couldn't care less, with Kihyun skipping his classes just proofed that he was just another soul, lost and desperate but wasn't worth a piece of his time.

 

He thought there was something more in the boy's soul, his eyes held the determination to live but his heart says the otherwise. His voice speak the story of a lost soul, his gestures told  the unspoken cries but that was it... there was no...

 

What was he looking for?

 

To him, Kihyun was just a stranger, his student and nothing more but why did his heart always expect something more from him? Like Kihyun was bound to fill something in him... to fill the gap in his heart...

 

Heart?

 

The heart that was left void by Haein?

 

No... Kihyun couldn't be compared to Haein...

 

The smile that filled his heart with warmth, the eyes that shine with thousand lights of stars and the voice that lulled him deep to sleep... Haein was incomparable.

 

Hyungwon took a deep breath before walking out from the empty class room, he hated the fact that he kept looking to Kihyun's usual seat or the entrance to his classroom every second he spoke... as if he was waiting for the boy...

 

As if he was hoping that Kihyun was just running late...

 

Hyungwon shook his head, he really need to stop getting tangled  in public life... in humans.

 

Hyungwon looked up as someone stood at the entrance, blocking his way.

 

It was Lee Minhyuk

 

"I expect you to apologize" Hyungwon raised his eyebrows  
"Come again?" Minhyuk huffed  
"It's your fault, whatever you did with Kihyun was all your fault" Minhyuk said again, glaring at Hyungwon.  
"I believe there are some misunderstand-"  
"Not there aren't any! It's your fault!" Hyungwon closed his eyes and took a deep breath  
"And what exactly did I do to him?"  
"Kihyun hasn't been answering my call, he ignored my messages too and when I came to visit him, he didn't opened up the door"  
"Maybe he was just tired? Not everyone is a literal sun worshipper like you"  
"No, he became like this right after he met you at the store"  
"And you know this from...?"  
"My friend worked there and said that Kihyun came home with a pink haired man, said that Kihyun called him 'Mr. Chae'. If it wasn't you then who else?"  
"Listen, I don't have much free time like you do so please, if you excuse me-"  
"Stop making any excuses"  
"Lee Minhyuk"  
"You know about Kihyun right?" Hyungwon's movement stopped  
"You know about his Dermatographic Urticaria, don't think I didn't see the way your eyes looked at him... his neck particularly"  
"As someone who seen so many scratches wounds on his neck, it was a rather normal reaction. What do you expect me to do? Pointed it out loudly so that the whole class could hear me? That boy tried so hard to hide it... _too hard_ "  
"You can't say anything about it to Kihyun" Hyungwon raised his eyebrows  
"And why can't I?"  
"Just... don't... please" this time Minhyuk looked up to meet with Hyungwon's eyes, the eyes that used to beam with sunshine were now filled with fear.  
"Listen, I have no relationship with Kihyun other than the fact that he's in my class. You shouldn't be worrying about me confronting him about it, I have other important things to do rather than getting tangled in your little problems" Hyungwon said as he walked past Minhyuk.

 

-

 

"Please stop over thinking something" Changkyun said eyes not leaving the phone screen  
"I'm not" Hoseok said crossing his arms on his chest  
"Are you though?" Changkyun asked again, looking up from his phone  
"Don't sulk" Changkyun said, dropping his phone to the bed and walked towards Hoseok.  
"I'm not!" Hoseok said pouting a little bit  
"Is it about Hyungwon? Your professor friend?"  
"It's complicated, I want him to be happy and not chained by some past but in the other hand that past is my little brother... I can't ask him to move on and forget him when I, myself still can't forget him..."  
"Well..." Changkyun said as he sat on Hoseok's lap, circling his arms around the older man's neck.  
"He's your little brother right? I wasn't around when he was still alive so I don't know much about him or how lovable he was but forgetting someone you love isn't easy you know? Maybe he needs some time" Hoseok sighed as he inhaled Changkyun's scent, the boy smelt like mango and milk and it calmed Hoseok every time the boy was near to him.  
"It's been years..."  
"You too" Changkyun said as he cupped Hoseok's face, tracing his facial features  
"I hate the fact that you know me inside and outside" Hoseok said as he smiled before pulling Changkyun's face down and kissed him  
"Everything's fine with school?" Changkyun nodded  
"Yeah, just some stuff to do for this weekend" Hoseok hummed, playing with Changkyun's soft locks  
"Buy me a new laptop"  
"Hmm?" Hoseok raised his eyebrows  
"I just bought you the latest gaming set and now you want a new laptop?" Changkyun pouted  
"The old one is for school, I need another one for music" Changkyun whined  
"Is the monthly allowance from me not enough?" Hoseok said as he stroked Changkyun's hair  
"Well" Changkyun shifted on Hoseok's lap  
"There's a new collection from Gucci but you won't buy it for me so I had to use my own money" Changkyun pouted when the memories of him, begging and whining for Hoseok to buy him the latest collection turned to no avail because the man was too busy worrying about his professor friend, Chae Hyungwon.  
"When did you asked? I thought I made myself clear that if you want to buy anything just ask Younghyun" Hoseok chuckled when Changkyun rolled his eyes  
"And having him tailing me around? Uh no, I need my quality time with my friends" Changkyun said, making a face.  
"Well... I can understand him, I mean you are walking around with my black card... anyone would've done the same" Hoseok laughed when Changkyun punched him lightly  
"Oh? So you are worried that I might used all of your money then? Wasn't it the purpose of you having a sugar baby?" Changkyun crossed his arms on his chest  
"Forget it, I have a date with Jae and I'm late" Changkyun said coldly before taking his bag and phone, opening the door and mumbling about something and slammed the door shut. Hoseok sighed as he dialed Younghyun's number on his phone

 _ **"Yeah?"**_  
"Please keep an eye to Changkyun, he's having a date with Jae"  
**_"Are you truly worried about your sugar baby or you just want me to fight that green brat?"_ ** Hoseok could heard Younghyun sighed on the other line  
"But he's your typ-" before Hoseok could finish his words, Younghyun disconnected the line  
"Why do I have a friend as spiteful as him?" Hoseok shook his head

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder, do you all like the side song fiction I made such as Sorry? If yes, I will do more of it but if you guys don't really like it I will only focus on my series.


	8. Chapter 7: サイレントマジョリティー (Silent Majority)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /I highly suggest you to listen to Keyakizaka46's サイレントマジョリティー (Silent Majority) and please look up the translation as well/

 

_"If you're just following someone_   
_You won't get hurt,_   
_but that crowd is just one mind._   
_You'll be made one of them"_

 

 

-

 

 

Kihyun took a deep breath before he opened his apartment door...

 

Enough is enough

 

Kihyun was having enough of running, of hiding... he was born the same just like everyone else, what makes him different from them?

 

His blood? His eyes? His skin color?

 

What?

 

He was born just like everyone else.

 

But he didn't want to be the same as them, straight, boring lines... living their life as if someone had choosen a path for them... no, he wanted to create his own path, his own life story and not a copy of the original.

He wanted to be the one to say "no" when the whole world was saying "yes"

The one to shook his head when everyone else nodded... the black on white.

 

 

_I want to be different..._

 

**_No, you can't_ **

 

_But I want to live my life... I want to know how it feels to be alive_

 

**_You are dead, to me, to everyone and to yourself._ **

 

 

Kihyun immediately gasped and took a few steps back into his apartment, eyes staring wide at the lively world outside. The chattering, the birds singing and the smile on people faces... they're all scary...

 

 

_But I want to live_

 

**_You can't and you will never_ **

 

_I can't?_

 

**_Of course you can't, you are worthless. Did you forget that you were the reason behind our parents' death?_ **

 

 

"No..." Kihyun shook his head, his vision started to become blurry

 

**_Of course you are! You killed our parents, remember?_ **

 

"No!" Kihyun suddenly yelled, his hands were trembling, pulling his hair down as he bit his lips.  
He fell on the floor, hugging his knees as he cried. He tried to to stop it but it was useless, his whole body was shaking.

 

 

_No no no_

 

**_You killed our parents!_ **

 

_I'm-_

 

**_It was all because of you_ **

 

 

Kihyun choked on his tears as he sobbed uncontrollably, his shoulders were shaking.  
That's right, he killed his parents. It was all because of him-

 

_No!_

 

Kihyun shook his head as he stan up, wiping the tears away from his face as he took a deep breath.  
No... he can't give up... not like this.

Kihyun took his bag as he ran outside, the cold wind of autumn hits his face, making his nose and ears turned redd but he paid no attention to the cold as he kept running... To that one direction

Rushing past the busy street, bumping against the boring lines, ignoring the judging eyes... to that one place.

His breathing was uneven, his chest felt tight as his legs starting to became weak but he ignored them all, ke kept running and running... to that one person.

Kihyun stopped in the empty hallway as he bumped into someone, he braced himself to the fall but as nothing happened he opened his eyes and there he was... the person that kept him running...

 

Running?

 

Who was he?

 

Who was Mr. Chae to him?

 

Why do he kept running for him?

 

"Kihyun?" Hyungwon asked as he looked down, he was wearing his glasses and his hair was styled up, he was dressed in all black, from his turtle neck sweater, his tight fitting jeans and to his boots.  
"M-Mr. Chae" Kihyun stuttered as he couldn't help but to fall into Hyungwon's dark eyes.  
"What are you doing running in the rain?" Kihyun was pulled back to reality by Hyungwon's harsh tone  
"I-"  
"You're all wet now" Hyungwon said again as he let go of Kihyun's arm  
"I'm... I'm sorry sir" Kihyun looked down

That's right... he should be avoiding Hyungwon instead of meeting him.

Hyungwon knew something... something that wasn't supposed to be known. He needed to get away, as far as possible. Away from this man... away from everything.

 

**_Maybe you should be gone as well_ **

 

Kihyun's breath hitched as he felt a sudden pang in his chest.

"I'll be going now sir" Kihyun said as he turned away  
"Kihyun" Hyungwon called  
"Here" Hyungwon said as he gave Kihyun his scarf, Kihyun looked up in confusion  
"What is this sir?" Hyungwon rolled his eyes  
"It's a scarf" he said flatly  
"In case you didn't know, you were walking with your... unusual scars" Hyungwon said, trying to keep his words polite instead of his usual snake-like words because Kihyun might've broke down into one of his mental issues just like Minhyuk said.  
But Kihyun was still staring at Hyungwon's hand, not moving an inch to take the scarf from him.

What was Mr. Chae thinking?

"Take it" Hyungwon said looking annoyed  
"I'm fine s-" Hyungwon clicked his tongue as he stepped forward, wrapping the scarf around his neck  
"If by fine you mean your red nose and ears, cracked voice and red eyes then please kindly resign from my class. I got enough of idiots to handle and I do not wish for another one" Hyungwon said as he turned around and began to walk away, leaving frozen Kihyun in the empty hallway  
"What it's this supposed to be... he hates me... right?"

 

**_Oh yes, he hates you to the gut but of course your idiot self would've thought it's a nice gesture of him_ **

 

"But he-"

 

**_He hates you and that's the fact_ **

 

Kihyun looked down to his trembling hands, biting his lips and was meet with a very angry Minhyuk.

"M-Min?"  
"The fuck do you think you're doing? You can't disappear just like that without answering any of my damn phone calls!" Minhyuk said as he gritted his teeth  
"Do you know how worried I was?? Ki you've been missing for weeks! Weeks with no news, no phone calls and no- nothing!" Minhyuk said as he runs to hugged the male in front of him, not caring if Kihyun was getting his clothes wet too  
"I was worried sick..." Minhyuk said as Kihyun's scent hits his nostrils, the smell of mint and soap, as if he was just got out of the shower.  
"Don't... don't you ever disappeared on me again"

 

-

 

"What was that?" Hyungwon looked up from his laptop, there was Younghyun leaning comfortably against the door frame  
"What was what?" Hyungwon snapped back, Younghyun only smiled as he closed the door behind.  
"That student? Kihyun was it?"  
"I don't know what you're talking about"  
"Sure... but I think he's cute... tiny like a hamster but got a big and spiteful personality like a shark..." Younghyun said as he took a book from the book piles on Hyungwon's desk.  
"He suits you" Hyungwon stopped and looked up from his laptop screen  
"Please don't talk nonsense, I hate him and the fact that he's trying too hard to live, to be different from others were only making it worse. He's the type that I hate the most"  
"Trying not to blend in the world, breaking out from the boring lines and fighting the flows?"  
"Exactly"  
"He sounded like Haein" this time Hyungwon stopped typing and gritted his teeth  
"He's not"  
"You said that too, you know?" Younghyun smiled as he put the book in his hands back on the table  
"When you first met Haein"

 

-

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delayed updates but I will try to update them tonight and if I can't then I will continue tomorrow. I still can't get the hang of it, the update flows, because I was resting last week so it's kind of hard to write the updates. I hope you guys won't mind the mistakes or anything weird in my story.


	9. Chapter 8: Million Dollar Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /I suggest you to listen to Lana Del Rey's Million Dollar Man/

-

 

 

_"I don't know how you convince them and get them, but I don't know what you do, it's unbelievable._   
_And I don't know how you get over, get over someone as dangerous, tainted and flawed as you"_

 

 

-

 

_**"You're such a nonsense" Hyungwon said as he typed on his laptop** _   
_**"But you like me" Haein said as he smiled and hugged Hyungwon from the back** _   
_**"In case you didn't know, we are in public library" Hyungwon said not paying attention to the boy behind him** _   
_**"Cold as always" Haein pouted but he plopped down next to Hyungwon, clinging onto his arms** _   
_**"I can't work like this"** _   
_**"Stop being annoying for once!" Haein glared at him and tightened his grip.** _

_**Hyungwon sighed but said nothing as he continued to work on his project, they were college students now, so much more different back when they were still in high school.** _

_**After the incident that happened with the school's newspaper, Haein had gotten a lot quieter than what he used to be. He used to play around in the park with kids or dogs but now he just hang out with Hyungwon and no one else.** _

_**Haein took a year off after they graduated from high school but Hyungwon continue right away to college, he choose literature while Haein choose music. They were so different yet the same, they like the same things but also the opposite.** _

_**Hyungwon managed to wrap his study in just 2.5 years and that means he's in his final while Haein just gotten into the university.** _

_**"What are you thinking?" Haein suddenly asked, his face was so close to Hyungwon's and that made Hyungwon blinked a few times before he smiled and pinched Haein's cheeks.** _   
_**"Works" he said earning a pout from Haein** _   
_**"But the last time I remember, the only thing that makes you smile like that is me" Hyungwon snorted and shoved Haein away** _   
_**"Please don't get too full of yourself" Hyungwon said, his hawk-like eyes never failed to see the way Haein would put his hoodie or curled himself smaller when new people walked inside the library.** _

_**Haein never wore any kind of revealing clothes, always the long sleeved ones or hoodies, he also wore a cap or a scarf when it was too much.** _

_**He never wanted to show any skin, after what happened back in high school. Haein will never be the same, there was no sun in his eyes, there was no smile on his face, empty and cold.** _

_**"Hyung..." Hyungwon hummed** _   
_**"I love you" Hyungwon burst into laugh** _   
_**"I love you too" he said as he cupped Haein's face and kissed the boy** _

 

 

Hyungwon gasped as he was pulled into reality from the sound of his alarm, he reached out to his phone and turned it off.

Hyungwon sighed as he stared into the ceilings, hair and clothes wet from the sweat. It's been so long since the last time he had dreamed of Haein... too long.

Hyungwon walked out from the bed and opened the windows to the balcony, letting the chilly breeze of morning inside and tickled his skin. Hyungwon closed his eyes as he felt the chilly tickles on his face, cold and gentle.

"It's been a long time... Haein"

 

 

-

 

 

"Why the fuck he has to be here?" Changkyun muttered under his breath when he saw Younghyun.  
Jae turned around and grinned wickedly like a chesire cat before he took his guitar and dropped it to the floor.  
"You looks creepy as fuck" Changkyun sneered  
"At least I'm handsome" Jae said back  
"Oh, hello Mr. Kang" Jae said in flirty tone, Younghyun smiled but the annoyance in his face could be clearly seen.  
"Changkyun" Younghyun called and Jae pouted  
"I greeted you first and you call him instead of me? Traitor" Jae said loud enough for the people around them to hear.  
"Can you _not_? For a day? I really need my quiet time" Younghyun said still smiling, his eyebrows twitched in annoyance as people began to mutter under their breath.  
"No, I cannot. Please sit here" Jae said as he tapped the chair beside him, Younghyun stared at the chair for a long time before he sat there.  
"See? We're a match made in heaven"  
"Stop it"  
"Be my sugar daddy"  
"Please fuck yourself"  
"I want you to fuck me"  
"Dude, can we _not_????" Changkyun groaned in frustration

 

 

-

 

 

"Min..." Kihyun called for Minhyuk over the phone  
**_"Yes Ki? Is something wrong?"_ ** Kihyun shook his head  
"No..." Kihyun was sitting in the corner of his dark room, he hugged his knees as he stared at Hyungwon's scarf in front of him.  
"Who am I?"  
**_"You are Yoo Kihyun, duh"_** Kihyun could hear Minhyuk rolled his eyes from the tone of his voice  
"I... how do you know?"  
**_"How do I know what?"_**  
"That Hyunwoo has the same feelings for you... how can you be so sure with your feelings? What it was and why?" Kihyun chewed on his lips  
**_"Kihyun what's wrong? Do you want me to come over? Are you alright?"_**  
"I'm fine" Kihyun answered weakly  
**_"I can't tell you for sure how I figured it out... it just happened you know?"_** Kihyun shook his head as if Minhyuk could see him, eyes still staring at the scarf in front of him.  
**_"Like suddenly he was the only thing I see in my eyes, like my whole world revolve around him. At first I thought it was just some sort of crush but the feeling grew into something I can't possibly keep for myself, it became too much at one point I had to confess you know? The most embarrassing moment in my life because Lee Minhyuk never confess"_**  
"How do you feel?"  
**_"Like suddenly there was spring inside my body, my heart beats a lot faster than normally when I saw him"_**  
"So it's not like... you fear him? You were afraid to be held by him as if he could crush you at anytime? Like... he's dangerous and you know it by his eyes, he hide something that wasn't mean to be told, something that could easily hurt you... something that could put your life in danger" Kihyun took the scarf and brought it close to his face, closing his eyes as he inhaled Hyungwon's scent. He smelled like a dark coffee.  
"But you can feel being pulled to him, everything about him is terrifying but you can't help it... he smelled like dark coffee in the morning when it was raining, strong and addictive, gentle to your senses as it burned your inside... his voice that was whispering things you should be afraid of.... his whole existence that scream emptiness.... it's not like that?" There was a long silence before Minhyuk spoke up  
**_"Kihyun?"_**  
"Hhmm?" Kihyun hummed, he couldn't get enough of Hyungwon's scent. It's so addictive he wanted more, he was craving for his professor... his whole existence as an even in Kihyun's odd world.  
**_"Are you in love?"_**

-


	10. Chapter 9: American

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /I suggest you to listen to Lana Del Rey's American/

 

 

 _"I don't really want the rest,_  
_only you can take me there_  
_I don't even know what I'm saying,_  
_but I'm praying for you"_

 

 

-

 

 

Kihyun finally showed up after missing for weeks, months even. Some might even forgot about his existence in Hyungwon’s class but Hyungwon didn’t, consciously or not he’d sometimes glanced towards the door just to see if Kihyun was running late or not.

Today was no different, his class start in 10 minutes and yet there was no sign of Kihyun.

Hyungwon sighed, took his books and Americano before going out from his car, walked pass the students in the hall straight to his classroom.

If that’s what Kihyun wants then he would play along for as long as the boy desired to.

Right before Hyungwon entered the classroom he heard the hurried footsteps behind him not wanting to turned around and find who the fuck was running late to his class, Hyungwon stopped his tracks and seemed like the person behind him also stopped but more in a surprise after he bumped a little on Hyungwon's back.

Hyungwon turned around in annoyance, showing his coldest unamused expression at whoever the owner of the hurried footsteps was.

It was Kihyun, dressed in red sweater with white turtleneck underneath, he dyed his hair to light brown, his lips were bleeding from the excessive biting, his thin fingers that were holding onto his notebooks looked so fragile, and there were signs of nails biting too.

Hyungwon looked down, trying to avoid Kihyun’s neck, this time the turtle neck covered his neck high enough to hide the scratched wounds.

“I’m sorry I’m late sir” he said sounding different from the last time Hyungwon saw him.

 

 

_What changed? What’s the difference between Kihyun then and now?_

 

 

Hyungwon looked down to his wrist where an expensive Rolex watch circled his thin wrist, he looked at the time.

9:55 AM

“You are not late Yoo Kihyun, you still have 5 minutes left” Hyungwon said indicating that Kihyun should be hurrying right now before he entered the class, the boy nodded before he bowed down and entered the class to sit on his usual spot.

Hyungwon stood there, feeling the chilly breeze of rain tickled his cheeks. He closed his eyes, letting himself get absorbed in the quiet surrounding of his. The image of Haein burned in his closed eyes, Hyungwon’s breath hitched as he opened his eyes.

His pupils were dilated and he was choked by the air around him. It’s not like he didn’t want to move on nor forget Haein but the thing was, Haein was carved in the back of his head, his eyes and his heart. Haein was and still precious to him. The boy was the first friend of him, his first in everything… his first love.

When everyone competing to shoved their thoughts in Hyungwon, Haein simply said that it was his life to live and that he didn’t have the rights to tell him what to do. To say that he was the first person to see him the way he is was… exaggerating.

But he was, he was the first person to see Hyungwon as him. As someone with the same rights as everyone else, someone with… charms.

Hyungwon shook his head softly before he entered the classroom, the students fell into silence immediately at the first step he took inside the class room.

Hyungwon walked to his podium and put his things down, looking up to see his students faces early in the morning.

 

 

_Disgusting_

 

 

“Good morning” he said unamused, eyes still scanning the faces of his students.  
“Good morning sir” the students replied  
“To say that I was disappointed in you was… understatement.” Hyungwon began his class with a disappointment speech from him to his students.  
“I was… quite expecting that those who signed up for my class were… appreciating the literature itself.” Hyungwon said as he looked at a very specific couple in the front row  
“But turned out that most of you were just going after an easy graduate which I can assure you that literature is no place for easy(s)” he said to a specific group of students  
“I won’t hesitate to give you an F in your final report just to have you repeat the class all over again which I opposed because seeing your faces for the second time will surely be a hell for me. There was no use teaching an empty head rat wasn’t it?” Hyungwon said, eyes staring coldly as anger could be seen in his demeanor.  
“An essay… a profile… a biography… what’s so hard about it? You couldn’t even form a sentence without-“ Hyungwon stopped and rubbed his temple  
“Without a mistake. A groundless defense, a pathetic excuse, even a 5 years old kid could’ve written better than any of you, any of the shits you gave me. I clearly put my expectations too high of you even though some of you exceed the expectations easily…” Hyungwon said looking at Woozi, Jeonghan and lastly Kihyun.

Kihyun’s breath hitched when his eyes met with Hyungwon’s intoxicating ones, it was as if they were staring at each other souls, to seek for an answer, for a reason.

It felt like eternity, drowned in the eyes of a man he should be afraid of. Hyungwon was the first to break the eye contact, he looked down to the book in his hands.

“But of course this doesn’t mean that I will stop giving you essays, one mistake means an experience to learn from.” Hyungwon said looking up

 

 

_Ignorant, hot tempered and disgusting living beings_

 

 

“I will give you a task for this semester, please choose a book, a literature book to be precise it could be your favorite, or a book that simply relates to your life. Please write an essay about it, there is no limit to the words and I will highly appreciate it if you stop writing gibberish shit. You are literature students, take a pride in it and be one of it, act like it, write like it. I will not tolerate any jokes for this task or else I have to give you an F again” Hyungwon said unamused at the students on his left side  
“Class dismissed” Hyungwon said earning a cheer from the students crowd because his class ended earlier than it was supposed to be.

They scattered around, walking outside the classroom impatiently as they chattered. Hyungwon stood on his podium, flipping some book pages slowly before he took a sip of his Americano.

He felt a burning gaze on him and looked up, his brown eyes were met with a beautiful pair of goldenish brown eyes. Kihyun immediately looked down, flustered that he was caught of staring.

“Is there something you’d like to ask regarding the task?” Kihyun shook his head  
“N-no sir” Hyungwon looked at him with unreadable expression  
“You can put on some concealer” Kihyun looked up in confusion  
“Eh?”  
“Your wounds” Hyungwon said again  
“It’s better than to walk around in scarf or turtleneck, they attract too many unwanted attentions. Hoodies are very helpful too, put on some soothing gel on your wounds, it will help to ease the sting pain” Kihyun was still looking up dumbfounded.  
“P-pardon me sir?” Hyungwon sighed as he took his books in his hands along with his Americano.  
“Your wounds Kihyun, I will not repeat myself again” was all that Hyungwon said before he walked away, leaving Kihyun standing in confusion in the empty class.  
“My… wounds…?”

 

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I think kihyun is starting to accept Hyungwon in his heart? Probably? I still don't know~  
> Well figure this out as time passes~


	11. Chapter 10: 13 Beaches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /I suggest you to listen to Lana Del Rey's 13 Beaches/

-

_"I don't belong in the world, that's what it is._   
_Something separates me from other people._   
_Everywhere I turn, there's something blocking my escape."_

-

Kihyun was sitting in front of the window in his room, it was raining outside and the wind was blowing softly to his room, the curtains danced to the weird rhythm of the rain.

His honey brown eyes were focused on the writings in the book on his lap, moving from left to right, reading each words carefully. His bangs moving softly from the wind, tickling his long eyelashes.

Kihyun reached out to grab the tea cup beside him, he inhaled the sweet aroma of the earl grey tea he made earlier before he took a sip of it, feeling the hot liquid warmed his insides.

His slender fingers turned the page carefully, completely drowned in the book on his lap. This was one of his favorite books, no matter how many times he read this, he always found himself drowned in the world it pictured, again and again.

Probably because the book was a fairytale itself to Kihyun, a plain lie of true love, a true love between two souls. The world in those books has always been interesting for him, how these amazing authors brought their world into colors, into a brand new life that couldn't be compared to the dull life of the real world.

A monochromatic life cycle, a plain, straight lines without any curves. Black and white. Lies and illusions.

He could probably goes on and on about the essay Mr. Chae assigned them to do, no lies, no sugar-coated words... Just a dream of a boy who wants to live.

Kihyun's grip on the book cover tightened, he took a sharp breath before he looked up. The rain was washing away all the happiness left in the world, erasing any trace of colors.

 

Was he the only one?

 

The only one who wants to live? To change?

 

When everyone walked towards the same direction without further questions, just mindlessly walking towards that one direction.

 

What's in there?

 

Happiness? Colors?

 

_I wanted to reach that place too... But I don't want to be the same._

 

**_THEN BE DIFFERENT._ **

 

_I can't._

 

**_STOP DREAMING._ **

 

_Don't take away my dream._

 

**_START DOING THEN._ **

 

_I'm scared._

 

**_THEN DIE._ **

 

Kihyun's breath hitched as he coughed a few times, he was pulled back harshly to the reality by the sound of the thunder, ringing through is ears to the ground below him.

He shook his head, took his cup of tea and book before closing the window. The rain was getting harder, as if the sky was wailing, crying from the loss of its colors. Turned completely dark and grey, taken over by the sadness.

 

_I deserved to be alive just like everyone else._

 

**_NO, YOU DON'T._ **

 

-

 

"You seemed to like Kihyun." Hoseok said as he took a seat in front of Hyungwon.  
"If you don't have anything good to say, please leave." Hyungwon answered, not bothering to look at Hoseok.  
"You've taken quite a lot time reading Kihyun's essay." Hyungwon's eyebrows hitched in annoyance.  
"It was simply because of he writes quite well." Hoseok raised his eyebrows.  
"Quite well?" Hyungwon closed his eyes.  
"What do you want?"  
"You are young Hyungwon." Hoseok said as he smiled.  
"And?"  
"Act like one." Hyungwon raised his two hands questioning.  
"???" Hoseok rolled his eyes.  
"I mean, go out, enjoy the season and maybe find someone you can love." Hyungwon snorted though Hoseok saw the glint in his eyes, the same stubbornness he's been living with for years.  
"The last time I checked, being the youngest professor in this university didn't exactly give me a free pass to date." Hyungwon sneered.  
"Besides, I have reputation to keep."  
"Did it?" Hyungwon looked at Hoseok with annoyance.  
"What do you mean?"  
"It might be true, a reputation to keep... might be not. Who knows, or maybe your heart wasn't ready for someone new because you took a very good care of that wound like your own child it grows." Hyungwon hissed at Hoseok's words.  
"You have no rights to tell me what to do especially when it involves my love life."  
"Indeed, I have no rights but I'm telling you this as a brother and a friend. It's been too long, when was the last time you smiled? The last time you enjoyed being different? Being in love?" Hyungwon turned his head away, avoiding Hoseok's eyes.  
"It's none of your business." Hoseok sighed at Hyungwon's stubbornness.  
"I'm just saying that this Kihyun kid seems like a nice person..." Hoseok said as he stood up.  
"Probably the right person for you."

 

-

 

Minhyuk was pacing around in Hyunwoo's living room, biting his nails unconsciously.  
"What are you thinking?" Hyunwoo finally asked him, putting down the book he was reading just now.

Minhyuk stopped in his track, turning around to face Hyunwoo. He looked exactly like a kicked out puppy and it took all of Hyunwoo's self-control to prevent him from attacking Minhyuk right now.

"Kihyun." Minhyuk said before he plopped down on the couch next to Hyunwoo.

The older man smiled softly as he scooped up the boy closer to him, Minhyuk immediately buried his face on the crook of Hyunwoo's neck. Inhaling the masculine smell of his boyfriend.

"What about Kihyun?"  
"He... I don't know..." Minhyuk looked up at Hyunwoo, his eyes were filled with confusion and worries.  
"What do you mean you don't know?"  
"He was acting weird... well, not that he's not weird on daily basis but- something changed about him, the way he talks... something" Minhyuk looked down, chewing on his lips.  
"He asked me about something not too long ago, something that Kihyun wouldn't even care about... He asked me about love, about how did I figure out my feelings for you and such things."  
"Isn't it great? For him to love?"  
"Of course but what if he got hurt?" Hyunwoo smiled softly.  
"You won't know if the bird can fly or not if you don't set him free" Minhyuk pouted at Hyunwoo's words.  
"But he's not a nice guy"  
"He?"  
"I might have an idea of who he is but it's complicated!" Minhyuk throws his arms in the air.  
"How complicated is it?" Hyunwoo asked in amusement.  
"I heard that guy had a boyfriend with the exact same skin disease as Kihyun who died few years ago, what if he's actually using Kihyun for I don't know, some research? What if he'll dump Kihyun after he got what he wanted? He's a jerk, acting like Kihyun wasn't special or something"  
"Did you mean Hyungwon?"  
"You know him?"  
"Well, not personally but he's friends with one of mine. I don't think he completely forgotten his past lover, he seemed... distant. His boyfriend must be very important to him."  
"Well, in case it's really him, I need to stop Kihyun before he falls hard for that bastard"  
"Don't you think it's... good? For both of them? I mean, I kind of get a feeling they will complete each other's flaws perfectly." Minhyuk rolled his eyes.  
"No, he's not, he will never. As long as I'm alive, I won't let him touch Kihyun."

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second to be updated after Lost, Guilty & Beautiful :D  
> What do you think will happen to Hyungwon and Kihyun? Will the voices in Kihyun's head stop? Or will it get worse to the point it's a threat to Kihyun's life? Please tell me what you think^^


	12. Chapter 11: Cry Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /I suggest you to listen to One Ok Rock's Cry Out/

-

 

_"Even if you try to catch the weakness of me who is being the opposite of who I really am,_   
_I'll close myself more firmly at once."_

 

- 

 

Kihyun has been working on the essay for days, week even but something was off, he didn't know what but he kept writing over the same essay again and again, as if there was something missing... something like soul, or feelings.

Kihyun sighed as he hugged his knees, his beautiful brown eyes looking down to the bright laptop screen of him.

The weather outside was chilly, with hints of sun. He wore his oversized sweater that Minhyuk got him for Christmas last year, a sweater that they shared back when they were in their bad shape, well when Kihyun in a bad shape.

 

Was Mr. Chae like that too? Does he has a friend like him? A friend that is like an anchor to keep his life sane?

 

Kihyun shook his head,

Of course he has friends but he's not sick like him, he didn't need an anchor to stay sane. Mr. Chae was perfect, he didn't need someone to keep his life in check.

 

_But what about that one friend of him?_

_Shin Hoseok?_

_Wasn't that guy always picked him up after work?_

_They seemed close, like that guy knew every edges of Mr. Chae, his sides, perfections and imperfections._

 

His brown eyes scanning each words typed on the screen, his fingers tracing down his laptop's keyboard, lips mumbling softly the words on the screen.

"Jane Eyre..." Kihyun didn't know why he was so attached to this book, perhaps because it was the only thing he had of his mother or maybe because the story itself was the fairytale he had wished to have.

His delicate hands working on the keyboard, typing the words carefully. To say that this book was the only thing keeping him alive was an understatement, he had lost count on how many times this book saved him from getting drowned in his own thoughts, from being the same as everyone else.

This book encouraged him to have a dream, something that he wish to have. Perhaps the warm touch of a lover, or maybe the love from a companion just like his parents used to be.

Kihyun closed his eyes, he had forgotten how his mother's voice was like, or how his father would call him 'son' and accompanied him to play baseball in the backyard garden.

Sometimes his mother would scolded them for running over her soil but at the end of the day, she would make Kihyun's and his father's favorite dishes.

A tear escaped from his eyes, running down to his cheeks.

He missed them, so much that it hurts.

 

**_BUT IT WAS YOUR FAULT IN THE FIRST PLACE_ **

****

Kihyun's breath hitched, his breathing was erratic.

 

_No_

 

**_YES, YOU DID. YOU KILLED OUR PARENTS._ **

 

Kihyun whimpered as he began to clawed around his neck, red marks coming up to the surface as his body trembled with fear and frustration.

 

_I didn't mean to_

 

**_YES YOU DID AND THEY'RE GONE RIGHT? WHOSE FAULT DID YOU THINK IT WAS?_ **

 

Kihyun's whimpers were getting louder as he started to sobbing hard, the delicate fingers were now pulling at his hair, eyes red and puffy.

He missed his parents, his mom and dad... He missed them so much.

If only he could trade place or even turned back the time... he'd exchange his life over their lives without a second thought.

They were so good to him, way too good. They understand, they weren't as judgemental as the others. Thet accept him for who he is, without any hesitation despite all the bad he has inside him.

The rotten self of him.

"Ki?" Kihyun looked up and turned his head around, there was Minhyuk at the door holding bags og groceries.  
"What happened?" Minhyuk rushed towards him, dropping the groceries bags and went to hug him immediately.  
"God, Kihyun" Minhyuk said, stroking Kihyun's soft locks.  
"It's okay, everything is okay" Minhyuk whispered as Kihyun buried his face on Minhyuk's chest.

He was clutching onto Minhyuk's oversized white jacket and sobbing hard like a little child, Minhyuk couldn't even differentiate between tears or snot.

Kihyun was rarely break like this, he often keep it to himself until he no longer able to hold it in but this time was different... something changed in him.

Minhyuk held Kihyun close to him for like 20 minutes until Kihyun fell asleep, he laid him on the bed, covering his body with the blanket.

Minhyuk sat on the edge of the bed, his eyes were looking at the man before him with such sad eyes.

Minhyuk pushed Kihyun's sweaty bangs to the back, stroking his soft locks gently.

Kihyun was such an angel, sometimes Minhyuk would go back and think what will happen to Kihyun if his parents didn't die on that day?

Will he became as cheerful as him? Or will he became more... alive than he was now?

Minhyuk shook his head, holding back the tears that were threatening to fall. It wasn't Kihyun's fault, that day... it was inevitable.

To think that Kihyun was separated from the world at such a young age... Minhyuk's parents would gladly take him in but as soon as they came Kihyun was already transferred to a private foster home, he was shaken emotionally and needed a proper treatment... or so they said.

"It wasn't your fault..."

 

-

 

Hyungwon woke up to the sound of lightning, he must've left the window open. He got up from bed and walked towards the balcony to closed the glasses doors, he stopped his track when he heard a meowing sounds.

He looked around to see if any of his neighbors had a cat stuck in their balcony or not but there was no sign of any cats, Hyungwon shook his head as he closed the door.

He's been hearing things lately, probably because of the lack of sleep. Hyungwon turned on his laptop to see who's been emailing him non stop ever since he went to sleep, he clicked his tongue.

Some of the emails were from the other teachers, planning to have a holiday trip along with the students. Some were from Hoseok, which he gladly ignored and the last one was from... the foster home he contacted earlier.

 

_Good day Mr. Chae, this is Anna from MY DAY Foster Care._

 

_We are very glad to receive an email from Kihyun's family, Kihyun was indeed under our care when he was 9 years old however it was only for a week before a man named Lee Sanghyun claimed that he's Kihyun's distant family and we had no choice but to sign up papers since Mr. Lee Sanghyun demanded that Kihyun needed to be with his family as soon as possible considering what happened to him._

_He wasn't as sociable as the other kids but he's a very well-mannered one I had to say, he was a quiet kid and never played with the others instead he'd be by the corner reading books._

_He was such a sweet kid to us, the workers. Kihyun is a smart kid which I assume he's fine by now?_

_We are very glad to know that he's living with his family now and if there is something you need from us, let us know Mr. Chae._

 

_Thank you, Anna - MY DAY Foster Care_

 

_Lee Sanghyun?_

 

Hyungwon's eyebrows knitted in confusion, the last time he checked Kihyun's registration papers, it wasn't stated if he has any family or not. It says that he was living alone with no distant relatives.

 

_Who was this man?_

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately... there was more about Kihyun's parents accident than the papers said.


	13. Chapter 12: Wherever You Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /I suggest you to listen to One Ok Rock's Wherever You Are/

_"Someone I can love from my heart._  
_Someone I love from my heart._  
_In the center of my love,_  
_you, my heart, are there."_

 

-

 

Hyungwon walked slowly to his class, ever since he read the letter from Kihyun's foster house he couldn't help but to wonder was there anything more than just what the boy showed?

Was there anything more important than the truth? Was there even a truth at all?

And even if all of it was right then why wouldn't he put Sanghyun as his distant relative on the registration papers? If he had a family then shouldn't he get a treatment for his wounds? He wouldn't have to come to his class with freshly changed aids every time...

Hyungwon shook his head, why would he even bother? It wasn't like the boy is important to him...

 

**_Maybe he was a substitute to Haein..._ **

 

Hyungwon stopped his tracks, his grip on the books tightened until his knuckles turned white.

 

**_Substitute?_ **

 

Stop joking, a boy like him could never replace Haein... He was... A bend line.

 

Is he?

 

Hyungwon gritted his teeth before he walked faster to his classroom, he ignored all the greetings from the students and went inside, straight to his podium. He was 20 minutes earlier so there should be no students-

Hyungwon's eyes locked with a pair of honey brown eyes, it was Kihyun in his oversized sweater, his hair was disheveled and there were some fresh cuts all over his body but the most noticeable one was on his right cheek, under his eyes.

The boy bit his lips before he looked down, trying to avoid Hyungwon's cold eyes.

Hyungwon's breath was erratic, he felt anger rushing in his veins for no reason. Seeing the boy hurt himself and act as if he deserved the cuts make his anger boiled inside him. He walked down from his podium to where the boy was, he stopped in front of Kihyun.

"Kihyun," Hyungwon called but Kihyun didn't look up and pretending to be busy with the book on his lap.  
"Kihyun," this time Hyungwon gripped on Kihyun's chin rather harshly and forced the boy to looked up, Kihyun's winced at the pain.  
"M-Mr. Chae..." Kihyun's long eyelashes fluttered as he looked up, his honey brown eyes glistening with tears.  
"Who told you to hurt yourself? Do you think it's fine? That you can clawed on your skin whenever you think it's too much? I thought you said that you want to be different? Alive was it? Stop being such a coward and use it as an excuse to run away Haein," Hyungwon said angrily as the grip on Kihyun's chin tightened.  
"I-" Kihyun closed his eyes at the pain, he bit his lips.

 

_What happened to Mr. Chae? Why is he acting like this? What did I do wrong? Who is Haein?_

 

**_EVERYTHING YOU DID IS WRONG, HE JUST FINALLY SNAPPED AT YOUR MISTAKES AND GUESS WHAT? HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY CARE FOR YOU._ **

****

_N-no... Mr. Chae isn't like that..._

 

**_IS HE? ARE YOU EVEN SURE? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM, ALL YOU DID WAS YEARN FOR HIS TOUCH YOU FILTHY! WAKE UP, HE CALLED YOU BY OTHER NAME DIDN'T HE? HE WILL NEVER SEE YOU._ **

****

Kihyun's breath hitched as he choked on his own tears, he bit his lips harder it draws blood that trickled down to his chin.

Hyungwon was pulled back to the reality by the smell of blood, he looked down at Kihyun who was trying to contain his cries as he closed his eyes. Hyungwon blinked again, trying to process what was happening now.

Did he just grab his student by his chin and yelled at him? Possibly making him cry in the process? What the fuck are you thinking Chae Hyungwon? Why are you yelling at him? What happened to 'he's not worth my time'???

 

**_Maybe at that very moment, you saw him as Haein._ **

 

Hyungwon took a sharp breath as he released Kihyun from his grip, the boy immediately sobbed and covered his face.

 

_Is... is it because of me...?_

 

Before Hyungwon could do anything the bell rang and the students began to stormed inside, Hyungwon clenched his fist as he turned away to his podium. He couldn't help but to steal glances at Kihyun who was looking down, hiding his face with his hood and bangs.

Hyungwon cleared his throat before he spoke.

"I  really appreciate all of you who submitted your essays in time though I haven't read them yet, hopefully they won't be another piece of thrash that you sent to me," Hyungwon looked down at his trembling hands, he fisted them into balls.  
"But unfortunately, all of you seemed to misunderstood the point of this essay. It wasn't for any criticism, or any pointless arguments. What I want to see is for you to decipher the book, each words in your own understanding. How you receive the message, what kind of feeling you got after reading it, opinions from your point of views. I will further point out your essays in the next meeting, now I want you to open page 873 and read the text before you write an opinion of yours about it."

 

-

 

The class ended sooner than expected and Kihyun was rushing to get outside, he had called Minhyuk to pick him up, he didn't want anyone else saw him cry.

Sobbing in front of Hyungwon was embarrassing but most importantly it hurts Kihyun, he didn't know why but thinking that Hyungwon acted like that to him was probably because he thought Kihyun was someone else's pained him.

"Kihyun!" Hyungwon called as he grabbed Kihyun's wrist and turned the boy around.  
"I need to explain," Kihyun shook his head.

His eyes were puffy and red, he looked thinner than usual, there were dark circles under his eyes.

"I'm sorry that I mistake-"  
"No please, don't say anything," Kihyun shook his head, he pulled his hand away and took a step back from Hyungwon.  
"It's okay Mr. Chae," Kihyun said weakly before he walked away.

 

-

 

"You're asking me to help you? Isn't it what you hate the most?" Hoseok said as he leaned into his chair, his face was illuminated by the light of his laptop screen.  
"Shut up," Hyungwon spat.  
"What happened? Is it about that Kihyun boy?" Hyungwon's eyebrows twitched.  
"Ahh... What did you do again this time?"  
"Why do every time I asked you for something you'd assume that it was _me_??" Hyungwon asked annoyed, he was not in the mood to play one of Hoseok's game.

Hoseok was the last person he'd contact but he was a mess and he didn't know who to ask for help other than the man who stayed by his side through his worst times.

"Because you tend to push people away and close your human social interaction cell, now what happened?"

If it wasn't for the help, he'd curse and yelled to Hoseok's face right now but he's badly in need of help so he shut himself.

"I might've... Hurt someone..."  
"You're-"  
"Physically and mentally."

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm sorry for the late update and all... I'm also sorry if my stories aren't like what they used to be or if I'm missing touch here and there, I am also sorry for the late update schedule. I used to update every once a week but now I'm barely updating... Things been hard and I want to focus on one thing first, there's also exams coming so I had to take a rest in writing so I won't  be update for at least 3 weeks? Perhaps to one month.
> 
> I am so sorry and thank you for always staying by my side, loving my stories and all... Thank you.


	14. Chapter 13: Insomnia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /I suggest you to listen to The Rose's Insomnia/

"I wish you told me "Hold on to me"  
I’ll be reluctant to turn back.

 

The memory that I thought I’d forgotten, it devoures me.  
Where are you now?

 

Just go away,  
Stay here in my heart.  
Just go away,  
Stay here in my heart."

 

* * *

 

Kihyun didn't come to his class the next day, also the very next day and the very next too.

He tried calling his contacts but they sent him straight to voice mails, he tried talking to Minhyuk but Minhyuk too, skipped classes. He figured something was wrong with Kihyun, he also figured that it was because of him.

How could he mistaken Kihyun for Haein? It was... stupid and reckless.  
He needed to get in contact with Kihyun... Somehow.

Hyungwon looked up and started his class just like usual, the only thing different was the big empty space that used to be filled with Kihyun and his unknown presence.

Without realizing, Hyungwon had depended on Kihyun's presence to keep going... To keep living.

Kihyun's face was something he'd got excited from, to start a new day, to looked up to.

And without realizing, Kihyun had become an important part in his life.

The class ended sooner than it was supposed to but Hyungwon couldn't waste anymore seconds, he needed to know whether Kihyun was fine or not.

Hoseok was already out there in his car, Hyungwon got into it without a word as Hoseok drove.

"Are you going to confess?"  
"Confess what?"  
"Your feelings to him Hyungwon, what else?"  
"I don't- I don't have feelings for him Hoseok, I was just worried... That's all," Hyungwon defended himself.  
"It's hard... I know... You don't want to betray Haein but trust me, he would be so happy if he knew that you are falling in love again... That you didn't give up on love after he's gone, I can see that you are very comfortable with this boy, something about him catch your attention... Something about him made you alive," Hoseok said softly.

He knew how much pain Hyungwon was in right now but it wasn't a reason to deny everything, to deny the fate even... There was something in Kihyun, something that Hyungwon had been looking for so long.

"No," Hyungwon shook his head.  
"I was just checking because if he skipped my class one more time, I'm going to drop him out of my class," Hyungwon said sternly.  
"Fine, whatever you wanted to do but don't break over him later," Hoseok warned him for the last time.

The drive was silent and quick, they arrived at Kihyun's apartment and Hyungwon quickly went inside. He knocked on the door for a few times but no one answered him, he looked around before he pushed the door softly.

It was unlocked.

Hyungwon looked around once again before he entered, the ringing sounds of wind chimes greeted him first as the wind gently blowing, papers were scattered on the floor, there were pieces of broken glass everywhere so Hyungwon had to kept his shoes on.

"Kihyun?" He called softly.

There was no answer, so he turned his heel to the other door, hoping that he was right this time. He walked slowly not to step on the glass pieces as he made his way to the door.

It wasn't locked either so he pushed the door opened slowly and there he was, Kihyun... Fallen asleep while curling himself into a tiny ball on the corner of his room.

This room wasn't any better than the outside, papers were scattered too but this time, there was a lot of blood covering them, there was nothing on his desk, indicating that what were used to be there were thrown to the floor.

Hyungwon walked closer to the boy, kneeling in front of Kihyun. He reached out and swept his bangs away from his eyes, Kihyun squirmed in discomfort as Hyungwon took him in his arms.

"Kihyun.." Hyungwon called again ever so softly.

Kihyun's eyelids fluttered before they opened up, his honey brown eyes looking up to meet with Hyungwon's dark ones.

"M-Mr. Chae...?" Kihyun said weakly.  
"What are you doing to yourself?" Hyungwon asked as he swept the blood off of Kihyun's face.

There were lots of scratch wounds on his body, from his neck to his wrist but mostly on his neck. Some of the blood dried off and some of them were still fresh, Hyungwon took a wet towel to clean the boy up.

"Why are you doing this?" Hyungwon asked again.

Kihyun bit his lips, unable... Didn't want to answer the question.

"I'm fine Mr. Chae..." He said weakly again.  
"Shut up and let me finish, then you can complain all you want," Hyungwon said irritated.  
"If you're doing this for him please don't..." Hyungwon stopped his tracks.  
  


_For him?_

_Did I do this for Haein?_

_Is it true?_   
  


"You're wrong Kihyun, I'm not doing this for anyone... You skipped your class more than 3 times and one more until I drop you out of my class, I'm doing this for my own sake..."  
  


**Are you though?**   
  


"Of course..." Kihyun whispered.  
"Don't get me wrong, I am indeed doing this for my own sake but that doesn't mean I didn't care for you... What are you doing now is wrong, whatever battle you are facing now... Hurting yourself is not the way to win. You can't surrender to whatever clawing inside your head, you need to get back on your feet and fight the urge to drown," Hyungwon said as he wiped the blood off of Kihyun's milky white neck.

Kihyun winced at the pain but didn't said anything as silence began to take over the small room, Hyungwon finished not long after, he sat in front of the boy who was staring blankly at his hands.

"Kihyun..."  
"Say... Mr. Chae..." Hyungwon looked up.  
"If I'm gone... Do you think it'll get better? Minhyuk said I was selfish, looking for my own escape... He left because I wasn't good enough for him... Not to anyone..." Kihyun looked down at his freshly bandaged hands.  
"I hate to say it but Minhyuk was right, just because you're gone doesn't mean the pain ended at you. You just put other people in pain without any resolution or a reason why, ending your life is not the way out," Hyungwon said as he wiped Kihyun's swollen lips.  
"Then what is?" Kihyun looked up to him, his beautiful brown eyes were filled with curiosity but parts of them were broken.

His eyes were filled with desperation, fear and pain. It hurt Hyungwon for a reason he, himself, didn't know.

"I can't give you the answer to that Kihyun, you have to search for it on your own."  
"You don't know?" Hyungwon shook his head.  
"No, I don't."  
  


**LIAR**   
  


Hyungwon froze at the voice, he held his breath as he clenched his jaw.  
  


**You don't know??? Isn't it because you didn't try hard enough to live? Do you think it's fair to tell the boy to keep living, not to give up when you, yourself, has no intention to keep living?**

**ARE YOU TRYING TO COMFORT HIM OR YOURSELF?**

"Mr. Chae...?" Hyungwon was pulled back to the reality when Kihyun's trembling fingers touched his skin.  
"I don't want to see you like this anymore Kihyun, at least don't give up until you find your reason."

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you'd listen to the song recommendation on this chapter, it'll get you into the mood as we are nearing to unravel what Hyungwon felt towards Kihyun. There'll be more ups and downs and Kihyun's mind isn't the only obstacles they have to face.
> 
>  
> 
> I'm sorry for the long update and thank you for waiting this story, it'll probably take longer time to update now but I wish for your patience. Thank you.


	15. Chapter 14: Tiger Moth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /I suggest you to listen to Kihyun's Tiger Moth acoustic version/

"In your time, in your space,

The dynamite is lighting up.

The last remaining hesitation becomes powder."

 

* * *

 

After what happened at Kihyun’s place everything seemed to be normal, or at least it’s what it seemed. Kihyun started to come to his class again after a long time but something seemed different from him, his aura was hard to notice before but now it was like he wasn’t even there, just an empty vessel wandering around mindlessly.

Hyungwon also held himself back from having too much contact with the boy because it might’ve affected him more than he liked to admit, everything Kihyun used to do started to rubbed on his face, every single thing and he wasn’t the only one getting affected by it, it was also reflected on Kihyun’s writings.

They were not like what they used to be, full of curiosity and youth, as if it was written by Shakespeare with the heart of a child, filled with the things that Hyungwon hated to admit but yearned the most.

Perhaps what Kihyun wrote as a medium of his true self was what Hyungwon search all this time but choose to ignore because he was drowned in the death of his loved one.

He failed to see what he really wanted to have because of the dark mist clouding his mind with the mortal memories of his loved one. The memories he had chosen to hold on tight to even though they pierced through his skin, bleed him to his limit.

Hyungwon took a sharp breath as he was pulled to the reality by the sound of the front door being opened, Hoseok must be home already. Hyungwon stretched his arms like a cat, feeling his bones cracked back into their respective places and looked up just in time for Hoseok to raise his eyebrows.

“You messed up again?” Hoseok asked, not even bothering to look at Hyungwon.  
“I didn’t,” Hyungwon scowled.  
“Then what are you doing here?” Hyungwon sighed in defeat.  
“I just... I need some help…”  
“With what? With that Kihyun boy again? I thought you made yourself clear already? That you have no feelings for him and it was just a concern as a teacher?” Hoseok mocked him.  
“I know what I said and I still do think it’s not love Hoseok, you know I’m not capable of love.”  
“Can’t or won’t?” Hoseok asked again, opening a bottle of red wine.  
“That’s not what I wanted to-“  
_“Can’t or won’t?”_ Hoseok asked again, this time looking straight into Hyungwon’s eyes.  
“I- I don’t know! He made me feel things okay? Things that I don’t know and I hate it! I don’t like being clouded with something I don’t or can’t identify, I don’t like being blind Hoseok. I don’t like humans and their little feelings, I don’t like their hypocrisy, I don’t like their ego and I don’t like their idea of happiness, who thinks love is the solution for everything these days??”  
“People,” Hoseok said as he sipped his wine.  
“People nowadays thinks so, it’s not them but it’s you Hyungwon. It’s you who trapped in the illusion of the past and can’t move on, you choose not to live your present and burnt the idea of your future by saying you’re not capable of love. Let me tell you something, it’s BS okay? Nobody is incapable of love, everyone can and that includes you. If you don’t like the feelings that Kihyun boy gives you then speak up, tell him what you feel, hell, tell _yourself_ what you feel. Stop avoiding everything like a plaque, stop running away with the excuse of _I’m not capable of love_. It’s the most ridiculous and dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” Hoseok rolled his eyes.  
“You know what it is Hyungwon, you know it all too well. It’s not that you’re being blinded by something you don’t know, you choose not to see it Hyungwon, and you choose not to open up to anything. True that sometimes human and their little feelings are annoying like a bitch in period but that doesn’t mean you are justified to hate on anything and blame it on them while you were the one making mistakes, you were the one fussing with your own feelings. Happiness is what you choose to forget when Haein gone, you choose to drown yourself in your sadness, you choose to stop your own ticking time. You are living miserably in the illusion of the past Hyungwon, you choose to live under the illusion of my little brother… you choose to believe that he is alive, here with us when the reality he is-“  
“Stop,” Hyungwon gritted his teeth.  
“He is long gone, he is dead Hyungwon. He’s not here anymore, why can’t you accept it? Was it because you regret the time you spent with him? Was it because you regret every single feelings you two shared back then? Or was it because you choose not to see his pains? Not to hear his cries when he clearly asked you for help?? _Was regret all that you have left of him?_ ” Hoseok looked at Hyungwon, pain could be clearly seen in his wavering eyes.  
“Was it because you said that _it was just in your head_ to him? Don’t do him like this Hyungwon, he deserved so much better… He didn’t deserve the regret that you feel inside your heart, he didn’t deserve the pain that you kept holding onto Hyungwon. He did not deserve every single second of your life that you spent carelessly, mindlessly as if you were dead! You are alive, so keep living… and if not for yourself, for him. For the sake of my little brother who loved you with all of his heart. Live for the people who loves you, people around you, people that you choose to ignore…”  
“You don’t understand… it’s not that I don’t want to-“  
“Is it? Is there something forcing you to be this hollow? This empty? If it’s so then what is it?”  
“I lost something when he died,” Hyungwon choked on his words.  
“I lost a part of myself when he’s gone Hoseok and I couldn’t find it…”  
“You can’t or you won’t?” Hoseok asked again.  
“What if a part of you were reborn as someone else? What if it’s Kihyun? What if it’s the boy that you hate so much? What if it’s the boy that you choose not to let yourself fall into?” Hyungwon shook his head.  
“What if he’s the missing piece of your love?” Hyungwon let out a shaky laugh.  
“Love takes time Hoseok, and if you can’t wait for the time then it’s not love. How could you think that he’s the one for me when I don’t even know a single thing about him? We’re the total opposite. He wants to live and I don’t, his curiosity and youth disgust me.”  
  


**LIAR**   
  


Hyungwon choked on his own breath before he cleared his throat and regaining his composure back.

“Love takes time? Aren’t you the one who choose not to see the time Hyungwon? You turned blind eye and what’s with the _he wants to live and I don’t_?? It’s BS, curiosity and youth? That’s what died in you when Haein died. That’s what you should be looking for instead of trying so goddamn hard to die.”

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the uhh... Update? Hoseok finally snapped after all this years and do you think Hyungwon will accept a piece of Hoseok's mind? Also, please do listen to Kihyun's song!
> 
> And hmu anytime on twt @ajaeparkian


	16. Chapter 15: Take Me Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //I suggest you to listen to The Rose's Take Me Down//

_"Take_ _me now, please undo my chain of pain._

_If I can get away, like a fire that is growing bigger._  
_Can you take me down, I’m under cold rain again._  
_If I can avoid it, can I become dull?_  
_Can you take me down?”_

 

* * *

 

  
“Kihyun I need you to meet me at my office after your classes ended,” Hyungwon said before he walked to the podium, leaving the boy in confusion.

Kihyun couldn’t focus to any of Hyungwon’s subject in class, he couldn’t help but notice all the flaws on Hyungwon’s face, from his eye bags, to his perfect, plush lips. His round nose, and his sharp eyes.

 

_What did Mr. Chae do to me?_

 

_**HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO YOU IDIOT, YOU ARE IMAGINING THINGS YOU PATHETIC LITTLE THING.** _

 

Kihyun’s breath hitched, he shook his head trying to clear his mind. He should be focusing on what was Hyungwon trying to explain to the class attendees.

Kihyun fisted his hands into balls, knuckles turning into white as he bit his lips almost drawing bloods.

The class ended and soon Kihyun found himself walking towards Hyungwon’s office, his hands were sweaty and he was nervous about what did Hyungwon want to discussed to him. He knocked on his office door before he could hear Hyungwon’s low voice speaking from inside.

“Come in,” Kihyun took a deep breath before he went inside, closing the door behind him.

Kihyun sat in front of Hyungwon’s office desk, the older male was correcting something on the papers, seemed like it was something serious. He couldn’t help but to fidgeting with his fingers, his eyes wandered around the office. The office was filled with books, thick and old books.

It was as if Kihyun was back in time, as if the one who owned this office was some old professor instead of a young, fine man like Hyungwon.

Kihyun was too deep in his thoughts and he jumped a little when he heard Hyungwon cleared his throat. Kihyun looked up only to meet with Hyungwon’s mesmerising ones.

He wore a pair of specs, he looked so young, not that he wasn’t in the first place, so fine and good. He looked like a very intellectual professor who spoke with scientifically proven texts and his delicate, long fingers, grazing beautifully each papers with his handwriting.

“Uhh… w-why did you call me M—Mr. Chae?” Kihyun stuttered, Hyungwon sighed and put down the papers in his hands.  
“The reason for it is I want to talk to you about something, something I hate to admit but was there between us, creating this… tension between us,” Hyungwon said, his eyes never leaving Kihyun’s brown ones.  
“T--tension?”  
“Yes Kihyun, you have to admit that something changed between us from the first time we met. Ever since I found out about you, ever since you found out about me… something’s changed, and I want to talk to you about the things I felt about you, the things that I have yet to figure out.” Kihyun’s eyes widened at Hyungwon’s words.  
“F--feelings for me?”  
“Yes Kihyun, feelings for you. I don’t want to admit it but someone kicked some senses into me, I realized that I shouldn’t be trapped in the past like I am now. Trapped in the memories of someone I loved, memories that were threatening to burnt out like our time. That I needed to move on, to continue my life just like anyone else. I realized that the feelings I have for you were the same one I felt towards him and because of that I choose not to feel it, to bury it deep within inside,” Hyungwon sighed.  
“And some feelings are new to me and I didn’t know how to feel about it and at the process of burying it deep inside, I hurt you. I’m really sorry but I know that I shouldn’t, I told you to keep living when I, myself wanted to die so badly. When I told you to keep living, to find your reasons in this life but the truth is, I’m not even close to any of that. I tried so hard to be the same like everyone else, to stay the same to when I was still with that person."

"I shouldn’t, I have lost everything in the process of erasing my existence. I have hurt everyone that used to be close with me in the process of living my life just for the sake of someone else’s. I don’t know what these feelings are and I’m sure that it’s going to be hard, from the beginning heck, I don’t even know if there is going to be an ending for this but I’m asking you… to stay," Hyungwon took a deep breath.

"Stay with me through the process of knowing you, I might hurt you again in the future, more than I did to you and the demon inside our heads might come in our way but don’t let go… will you?” Hyungwon looked up.  
“I—I don’t know what to say, I’m—I’m really not someone you should having feelings for… I—I have my flaws Mr. Chae, I’m not perfect and please don’t talk as if I could save you from the fire that is burning you now… I am drowning Mr. Chae…” Kihyun’s eyes wavered at the sight of Hyungwon’s brown ones.  
“I— I know that it must be hard for you to come out like this, to admit all of the flaws that you have but are you sure? I can’t hold back any of my demons, and you shouldn’t hold yours either. Don’t worry about hurting me, I’m used to it more than you could imagine… it’s okay if you hurt someone else in the process of finding yourself, for as long as you don’t let go of true self. It might different for you though, because you were trying to erase your existence… I do get it, why you did that. You loved him right? You shouldn’t forget the feelings you have for him because it was the only thing you have left of him right? Keep him close to your heart Mr. Chae, and it’s okay… you don’t have to think or treat me as him, we both are different and I’m sure that I have more flaws than him. He must be a very good person right? You shouldn’t forget him."

"It’s okay to be lost at some point in your life, we’re all have lost before… it’s okay because you are trying to find your way now right?” Kihyun looked up and smiled softly to Hyungwon.  
“Because we are trying right?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Hyungwon kind of... Confessed? Or is it really this easy? Hmmm.... 🤔🤔🤔


	17. Chapter 16: Summertime Sadness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //I suggest you to listen to Lana Del Rey's Summertime Sadness//

 

_"Kiss me hard before you go_

_Summertime sadness_  
_I just wanted you to know_  
_That, baby, you're the best"_

 

 

* * *

 

  
Maybe it was a lie, maybe it was true... Nobody knew which one it was, because you were the only one who could go to places deep inside your heart that nobody knew.

 

Maybe Kihyun had fallen for another lie, caught by the sweet road ahead of him or maybe he just wanted to believe that Hyungwon was capable of being honest.

 

But maybe... Kihyun had other reasons for his acceptance, maybe it was the red letter on Hyungwon's desk that made him say yes or maybe it was the sketches of his research about Dermatographic Urticaria that caught his attention but either way, both of them were lying.

 

Two souls purposely lying and tangled in chains called lie in return of the truth they both yearned.

 

_"The end was bound to happen anyway," said the other one._

 

_"I need the truth just so I could live for another day," the other one replied._

 

 

* * *

 

  
Kihyun shifted uncomfortably in his sleep, something was off with his surroundings. He could feel the air was different, the lighting and the way this bed felt against his body. Kihyun shifted again and stopped when a voice was heard.

"Stop moving Kihyun," Kihyun froze at the familiar voice.

It was Hyungwon's voice but deeper and a little bit hoarse than his usual one, he sounded very close to Kihyun and the younger man could feel his breath tickling his neck.

"M--Mr. Chae?" Kihyun asked, just to make sure that it was indeed Hyungwon.

The older man groaned and shifted away from Kihyun, giving the boy space to turn his body around to face him and Kihyun found himself frozen again at the sight of Hyungwon in the morning.

He looked so... young and innocent, like someone in their 20s supposed to look.

Hyungwon wore a simple white shirt, his hair was disheveled, hair sticking to every direction and his eyes were puffy from the sleep, Kihyun had to admitted that Hyungwon's face looked a little bit swollen and it made him worried a little.

"I assuming that you didn't remember what happened yesterday judging from your expression," Hyungwon said as he sat on the bed, stretching his arms out like a cat before taking his reading glasses.  
"You fell asleep while waiting for me in my office," Hyungwon started to explain, his long fingers running through Kihyun's soft locks as the boy looked up to him with his big eyes.  
"I told you that it'll be hard but I will try my best, I still haven't figure what are the feelings I felt for you... I'm sorry," Hyungwon smiled apologetically.

Kihyun could only blinked at the sight before him, Hyungwon was so different from the Mr. Chae he knew. This Hyungwon was so... domestic, like a normal person being, one who was capable of affections and love while the other one was plain cold, unbothered and harsh.

Kihyun couldn't help but to think about his decision over and over again, was it the right thing to do? What if Hyungwon just wanted to play with him?

 

**_YOU KNOW IT WELL LOSER, HE JUST WANTS TO PLAY WITH YOU. WHO WOULD WANT YOU ANYWAY?_ **

 

Kihyun's breath hitched and he shut his eyes closed.

"Are you okay?" Hyungwon asked, his hand traveling down to Kihyun's cheek, to his jawline and finally his neck.

He shifted Kihyun's hood a little and something flashed in his dark eyes which Kihyun couldn't see from the way he was closing his eyes, his neck was fully exposed to Hyungwon.

Red scratches could be seen on the milky white skin, looking from the size and amount it was possible that these scratches were caused by Kihyun's finger nails.

A normal symptoms of Dermatographic Urticaria or skin writing.

"Kihyun look at me," Hyungwon said again but his eyes were still on Kihyun's neck.  
"No..." Kihyun shook his head.  
"Kihyun don't be stubborn and look at me," Hyungwon said again, this time Kihyun peeked from one of his eyes.

Hyungwon sighed before he leaned down to give Kihyun a kiss on his forehead, ruffling the boy's hair for one last time before he stood up and walked towards the bathroom.

"I'm giving you 5 minutes to stay in bed before I chased you down," Hyungwon said as he disappeared into the bathroom.

Kihyun let out a sigh before he sat down, looking at his own arms where fresh scratches could be found. This was too good to be true, there was no way Hyungwon would act as if they were lovers... lovers?

Kihyun didn't even know what to call themselves, he guess they were just two person who seek comfort in their pathetic state.

 

 

* * *

 

  
Kihyun walked down the stairs slowly, all of this just felt surreal to him. Hyungwon was in the kitchen, cooking something for their breakfast and Kihyun walked towards him with no sound, sitting on the counter carefully.

"Mr. Chae..." he called out weakly.  
"Please call me Hyungwon when we're not in class," Hyungwon said, his back was still to Kihyun.  
"It's going to take some time, you can try to read one of the books there," Hyungwon suggested Kihyun, turning around to face the younger male.

Kihyun bit his lips, he was contemplating whether to leave and read books or here, asking Hyungwon questions.

 

_**YOU CAN FIND OUT ABOUT THAT RED LETTER** _

 

Kihyun froze for a moment before he looked up, eyes meeting with Hyungwon's dark ones.

"I will go read some books... Hyungwon," Kihyun said as he smiled a little before he went away.

 

 

* * *

 

  
Kihyun was right, the red letter he saw in Hyungwon's office was here. Hyungwon brought it with him to home and put it in the drawer in his personal office, Kihyun took the red letter carefully, and there was a wax seal on it.

It was a red rose with a feather of what seemed like eagle's, it was a relief that Hyungwon had already broke the seal so Kihyun opened the letter carefully, taking out the white paper in it.

 

 

**_Dear sir Chae Hyungwon,_ **

**_We are very surprised to know that someone had interest in one of our foster kid's past, especially knowing that it was Yoo Kihyun that you were asking for._ **

**_We are very glad that someone finally able to take this belongings that he left here right when he turned into an adult, we kept it safe here in a box and just inform us when will you be able to pick it up._ **

**_We don't really have a record of him because Yoo Kihyun was a very shy kid before, but we do have some medical records from the previous foster house._ **

**_It was worrisome to read and hopefully this will help you about him, Kihyun was complicated but he mean no harm to us, he was a sweet boy just had hard times figuring out what was happening around him._ **

**_And there was indeed another man here before you sir, his name was Lee_ ** **_Sanghyun_ ** **_. We heard that he was the one who took Kihyun away from his previous foster care but we heard things about him, such as kid abuse and drinking problem so we couldn't risk Kihyun in his hands that's why we didn't give him a custody for Kihyun until the boy was old enough to live by his own._ **

**_He was recently here, asking for Kihyun's belongings and it was worrisome for us so we would really appreciate it if you could take his belongings as soon as possible._ **

**_Thank you for the notice, Catarina._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again with the lies and again with the mysterious man, who do you think he is??? 🤔🤔🤔
> 
> I'm always up for a talk about my stories or anything in particular on twt @ajaeparkian ^^
> 
> Please vote for Monsta X on Vlive Event if you haven't 😊


	18. Chapter 17: Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //Lana Del Rey - Change//

_"Maybe by the time Summer's done,_

_I will be able to_ _be honest,_

 _C_ _apable of_ _holding you in my arms without letting you fall."_

 

* * *

 

 

Kihyun took a deep breath before composing himself, it had been a few days after he read the red letter. He didn't tell Hyungwon, of course.

  
But things were still bugging him, why would Hyungwon be interested in his past? Even Kihyun himself didn't want to think of his own past.

  
He couldn't remember most of it but he did remember the horror of his own past, the things his parents did and what they caused to him in the past.

 

 

And what he did to them...

 

 

He knew something was wrong, very wrong ever since his parents asked his uncle to take care of Kihyun for the whole summer. Something was wrong, he could feel it.

  
Of course his uncle and aunt were very nice to him, they provided him with everything Kihyun needed but Kihyun wasn't stupid, he wasn't naive either. He knew what his parents' jobs were, he knew what they did daily and what kind of people they were dealing everyday.

 

  
_'Please stay with your uncle for a while, we have something to do... We'll be back soon'_

 

 

Liar

 

 

Kihyun knew they were hiding something, something that needed to be kept in secret but he kept quiet, he knew how dangerous his parents' works were.

 

And then _it_ happened.

 

Everything in his life was never the same anymore, everything just became unbearable for him. Being chased for his whole life, cutting ties with everyone and became the Yoo Kihyun he was now. Became the mess he was and everything was his fault.

  
If only he could turned back time...

  
Kihyun snorted, his brown eyes wandered around the city view from Hyungwon's apartment.

  
Hyungwon was trying to dig his past, he didn't need to know why. No one was ever truly loved him, Kihyun was not capable of love and being loved. He was simply a failure.

  
Kihyun's breath hitched when he could feel a pair of hands on his shoulders, he turned around and saw Hyungwon, looking at him with his dark eyes. There was something in them, something that Kihyun couldn't described but had seen it million times in his own self.

  
"Kihyun, what are you thinking?" Hyungwon asked, taking a seat in front the boy.

  
Kihyun shook his head and continue staring outside, the sky was getting darker and the wind was blowing rather harshly. Pricking his skin with coldness.

  
"Is something wrong?"

 

 

_Something is always wrong Mr. Chae_

 

 

Kihyun shook his head, feeling Hyungwon's cold hands on his own. Hyungwon was the only one he couldn't read, no matter how many times he saw those eyes, heard his voice or felt his touch, Hyungwon was still new to him. Someone he couldn't understand and yet seemed to hold Kihyun's life in his hands.

  
He didn't know anything about Hyungwon, where he was born, what kind of a childhood he had or his hobbies. Kihyun didn't know a single thing about Hyungwon and yet the man seemed to know Kihyun better than he did.

  
Hyungwon wasn't a good man, Kihyun knew that and the longer he stayed with him, the longer his secrets were known by Hyungwon. Kihyun felt exposed, as if his whole tainted past had been laid out in front of him for everyone to see.

  
Hyungwon squeezed his hands, trying to get his attention. Kihyun's brown eyes were now staring into Hyungwon's, looking at him hollowly.

  
"What is it Hyungwon...?"

 

 

_Ah... I said his name... Again._

 

 

But it felt wrong, it felt so wrong to call his name. Kihyun felt so unworthy to be able to call Hyungwon by his name.

 

 

_Unworthy?_

 

 

_**YES. YOU ARE UNWORTHY OF ANYTHING. EVEN YOUR EXISTENCE.** _

 

 

_No... My existence is mine to have._

 

 

**_YOURS? DID YOU FORGET ABOUT ME? EVERYTHING YOU OWNS ARE MINE. YOU JUST STOLE IT AND THEN CAGED ME INSIDE._ **

 

 

_I did not... It was your own fault... For being locked up. I tried to help... But you said I was getting in your way... And then **it** happened._

 

 

**_YOU WERE GETTING IN MY WAY. YOU SHOULD'VE NEVER BEEN BORN. THIS BODY IS MINE. IT'S SHOULD BE YOU HERE, LOCKED UP AND CHAINED. YOU ARE A FAILURE._ **

 

 

_I am... So what? I'm a failure and no one ever loved me, so what? What more can you take from me? You took everything away..._

 

 

**_I AM GOING TO TAKE MR. CHAE FROM YOU. I AM GOING TO MAKE HIM MINE AND FORGET ABOUT YOU. I'M GOING TO HURT HIM BAD AND LET YOU WATCH HELPLESSLY. I AM GOING TO MAKE HIM SUFFER FOR THE SINS YOU'VE COMMITTED._ **

 

 

_Do you think you can hurt him?_

 

 

**_YOU'RE JUST BEING NAIVE. I AM CAPABLE OF HURTING EVERYONE THAT YOU LOVE._ **

 

 

_Everyone that I... Love? Do I love Mr. Chae?_

 

 

**_I'VE SEEN THE WAY YOU LOOKED AT HIM. DISGUSTING. YOU PIECE OF SHIT. YOU WANT HIM. YOU WANT HIM FOR COMFORT. YOU WANT HIM TO LOVE YOU BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? HE DO--_ **

 

 

_He doesn't love me, I know. He was just trying to get into my head, when he did... Would the two of you fight? Then, who would've won?_

 

 

**_I WOULD. I'M GOING TO BREAK HIM BAD. I'M GOING TO TEAR HIM INTO PIECES._ **

 

 

_You don't know Mr. Chae... Have you seen him? His eyes? You can't hurt him. Nobody can. He's going to kill you._

 

 

**_WRONG. HE'S GOING TO KILL US._ **

 

 

_Okay._

 

 

"Kihyun..." Hyungwon called softly.

 

 

_Please don't call my name..._

 

 

"I'm going to be away for a while, I won't be teaching the class too but my subordinate will take my place... Don't skip your classes okay?"

 

 

_Are you going to meet Miss Catarina?_

 

 

"Okay..."

 

 

_Are you finally going to dig up more filthy secrets of mine?_

 

 

"Don't hesitate to call me whenever you want to talk, Kihyun whatever happens... Don't listen to the voice inside your head."

 

 

**_HE'S WARNING YOU ABOUT ME._ **

 

 

_I know._

 

 

"Okay... Will you be home soon?" Hyungwon nodded.  
"I'll be home as soon as I can," Hyungwon said as he kissed Kihyun's forehead.

  
Kihyun only smiled a little as he watched Hyungwon stood up, took his bad and left the apartment. Leaving Kihyun alone.

 

 

_Alone?_

 

 

**_NOW IT'S ONLY THE TWO OF US._ **

 

 

Hyungwon sighed as he stepped outside of his apartment, he quickly walked to the parking lot and entered his car.

 

 

_Why would I kiss his forehead? Such a disgrace._

 

 

Hyungwon knew something was wrong with Kihyun, he seemed more distant than his usual self. Could it be that he's talking with the voices inside his head? Was it possible?

 

What happened to him? What happened in those 6 years in Mental Health Centre? What could possibly happened that changed him into a self destructive person?

 

Who are you Yoo Kihyun?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm officially back hehehh but sadly... I'm not going to update once a week anymore /sigh/ life's been a bitch and it takes most of my time so it's going to be irregular updates from now on instead of scheduled ones. Sorry!
> 
> Who miss this story?? I hope y'all didn't forget about this one 👀
> 
> Hmu on [twt](https://twitter.com/ajaeparkian?s=09)


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